XOXO Gossip Squirrel! Some chick hacked a dude I was bangings gmail…
Dudes! I got some “XOXO” for you!
This dude I have been banging apparently fucked some chicks world up, so she hacked into his email and pretended to be him and wrote me a cryptic email and then forwarded me some of his emails and gchats with other chicks! Now, don’t get it twisted, he didn’t do anything fucked up to me: we were very casual and hung out about once a week, we have never had any kind of “relationship” talk, and since I am fucking other people I can’t even begin to be jacked about him banging a bunch of other chicks. However, since he clearly fucked two chick’s worlds up, I don’t feel like a assperson for posting this gossip. I can’t believe I just became Gossip Girl because of my dick lovin’ nature! It should be noted that I meet this dude on Halloween and we banged in a playground that was across from a police station while I was dressed as a dream catcher and later he told me he was really bugged out about staying hard because a) he was hella drunk and b) I had ripped part of my outfit so we could fuck and he felt “pressure”- what he didn’t realize is that I had ripped my fishnets and who the fuck cares about ripping the crotch of fishnets because they are just going to blow out when you drop it low on the dance floor anyway.
(note got the pinky up, staying classy and trashy)
The first email was from Playground Sex and I forwarded it to all my ladies:
Playground Sex: have no fear your time will be soon when you fall for me and i screw up your life if your smart you wont fall in love with me but if your not i wish you the best of what is yet to come
Calisha Jenkins: wtf? are you already wasted at 10:30? interrobang?!
He didn’t reply and we were supposed to go out that night. I had no idea what to think of this email but I felt like he knew the difference between your and you’re. So, I texted him “yo, cryptic email. You must have fucked some girl’s world up. but, I am going to gamble. are we still hanging out tonight?”
I can’t save texts because I have a phone from ’03 but his reply was something like “shit, what did it say and yes.” Blah, Blah, Blah we hang out later and bang and the email didn’t come up until the morning.
PS: So, what did that email say?
CJ: Oh, something about how I shouldn’t hang out with you because I will fall in love and you will distroy me.
He rambled on about the hacking of the email not really saying anything of importance and I mentioned he should change his password (duh) and he was very nonchalant about how he needed to change it. Now, you better believe, if someone had tapped into my shit I would have dragged my drunk ass out of whatevs and gone to a internet cafe. So, a week or so goes by and I hit him up to see if he wants to go this art show or possibly drive me to Atlantic City (bitch got a whip, what?).
A couple hours after that I get a bunch of forwards from his email:
5:41 PM PS: mike from the bar isnt picking up the phone
i hope he isnt ignoring me for some reason
5:42 PM PS: maybe you can date him until i get the job, then you can stop, haha
5:44 PM Special Lady Friend: awh yeah maybe i’ll think about it but i didnt screw
it up you did
PS: what did i do?
SLF: he asked if he could ask me out and you were like ahhh i dont know
remeber
remember haha
5:45 PM PS: i thought thats what you wanted
well, you can go on a date now if you want
i think thats my in
SLF: haha stop it im not gona
he was kinda weird and how could he like that much already??? im not
that awesome…or am i???
5:46 PM PS: mh
i meant hm
SLF: but if u think i can get you a job maybe i could but youd
have to do a lot of ass kissing
PS: to whom?
SLF: hmmm….what are you contemplating something
5:47 PM me obviously
PS: ha
SLF: id have to sacrifice myself and date him
PS: dont be selfish
i would date a weirdo for you
5:49 PM ok, well anyways, do you want to hang in the city after your interview>?
i may come in early to go to my parents so we could hang
SLF: sure i think id be done by 2
5:50 PM PS: cool
ill shoot to be there by then and we can find somewhere to go
are you bringing your bike?
5:51 PM SLF: no im coming from pa tomorrow morning
5:52 PM PS: oh, so youre going straight to the city then?
SLF: yes in deed
5:54 PM PS: ok, well im going to jump in the shower now
i guess ill jsut plan on meeting you somewhere in the city tmrw
5:59 PM SLF: k wack off in the shower
The next email I got forwarded was way to personal for me to post but I will give you the closing paragraph:
“wish you loved me but love sucks and hopefully soon i will die….haha
kidding i just beat cancer bitch im not fucking dying…… no way…not
never….” (like…whoa..)
And in the middle she says “please dont continue to do this to people you will only have the same end result of girls beating the shit out of you” bwahahahahaha! (I do not support domestic abuse of any kind, but that is fucking funny!)
His reply:
first off, youre not the only one who feels a loss. ive said
numerous times that i am selfish and try to get you back because i like hanging out with you and miss you. so when we arent together, it is a loss. i know what we had recently was kind of fucked up because it was like we were (obviously I was wrong about his cunjunction skills) both going out but we werent. but honestly, i thought you were dating and that this could work without me fucking your life up again. it almost worked this time. im sorry again, and ill try to not do this to anyone else either. i hope you get that bar job and at least you have one big thing you dont have to worry about this year.
did i sense a little bit of humor at the end there? fuck it, just be
happy when you can. im going to miss you in vt, even if i replace you with one of my sluts, blah, blah, blah. but really, i hope you have a good time doing whatever your doing. and im still going to send you mixes whether you want them or not.
Another email from him but probably from Jacked Hacker Chick:
JHC: told you i would win bitch
Special Lady Friend: Really…..????????? whos acting hostile now
Play Ground Sex: > > aw shit. not again. when did you get that? i havent emailed anything to you since yesterday. fuck. i thought this was over
SLF: yeah ok just like you to blame somone else for shit you say and do. just leave me the fuck alone i get it your done and im done and whatever just leave me the fuck alone
PS: why cant you just believe that i actually do care for you. but that your too fucked up. naybe that is why i love you? idk either way just give me another chance to make it up to you. please??
Riiiiiiggggght! I somehow found my way into a bunch of gooosssip with people I don’t know. I love it! All the gossip I got in the vault I can’t tell, cause I KNOW those people and somehow i got involved with some MelWhoKnows Place! Anyway, so Playground Sex must of really fucked up. Two chicks hate him, both maybe crazy, one was dying (and she sounds pretty boss from the email I can’t share) and the other is good at the internet. He can’t realize he should delete his email. And, I happened to fuck him in a dreamcatcher. Oh, if we had a midget and a monkey I would be in the internet Passions!
Oh and this was the first one I got but I put it last because I don’t even know why I would care. News Flash dudes have friends…?:
10:15 AM PS: Are u doing idiotarod this year?
10:17 AM Some Chick: yes
with lady bro/other lady bro
PS: oh ok
SC: didnt know they were separate
PS: seperate teams
yeah
10:18 AM is there a 4th on your team?
SC: bros bf
and another girl or 2
PS: oh, i forgot she has a bf
SC: yeah
hes nice tho
10:20 AM PS: im sure, its just weird that she has a bf bc shes always on dates
10:21 AM SG: well i guess she found a good one
PS: anyways, thats cool. just wondering
see you later
10:24 AM SC: ok
I love getting up in people’s shit when I don’t know them! He doesn’t use that email really anymore but I kind of want to just keep email him for no reason so I can get my fix on! I don’t have tv you know. I realized the other day he reminds me of Tom Selleck! I couldn’t put my finger on who he looked like but then all this drama happened and of course I thought of The Young And The Restless! Oh and if you like the picture up there you can get more Selleck/Sandwich/Waterfall action here.
Ladies, if this kind of “xoxo – Gossip Girl” shit has happened to you – do tell!
xoxo,
Gossip Squirrel (Leesh Jenks)
Weekend Bonus: "stop stalking me" email!
After his most recent (read: umpteenth) unsuccessful attempt at winning me back, my ex from six months ago sent me an email today while he knew I would be at work calling me, and I quote, a “trifling, untrustworthy, unsupportive, unsympathetic, unreasonable, bratty, manipulative, negative, man-hating, loose stank pussied, large jawed, fat bitch.”
This was in response to me telling him (pretty kindly, I thought) that while it broke my heart to let him down yet again, I didn’t have anything for him, and shit just was not gonna happen.
At first it made me sad, and then it made me want to vandalize his building, and then I remembered that sometimes nothing settles the soul like a good solid ethering. Thought you all would enjoy…
I have held my tongue through all this and never said a single word to intentionally hurt you…until now. Go fuck yourself you fucking pussy. Oh you mad? Why don’t you sit alone in your apartment with no one to talk to because everyone hates you because you’re such a fucking pretentious asshole, crying into your piles of dirty socks and blunt guts and lyrics sheets of d-list local rappers, writing me another gay ass diatribe. “She doesn’t love me? I’ll show her! After she reads this she won’t even know what hit her!” You’re a fucking clown. You think I thought for a second that you meant any of those disses? Nah, I might be a lil on the chubby side and I have my bad days no doubt, but I’m still the best pussy and the nicest, most realest bitch who will ever sniff twice at your stank ass and you know it.
I, on the other hand, don’t miss your dick one fucking bit. I’m happier with my hand. You could have changed into the chillest, most productive, most rational person in the world, and still the thought of laying beneath you as you fucking pounded away with not even the slightest thought towards what feels good to me makes my pussy want to crawl into a corner and die. You fucked me like you were playing a video game, it was all I could do to stay awake.
You were a jealous fucking insecure baby whenever I paid any attention to someone else, male or female, friend or not. You acted like I was two steps away from walking out on you for the entire duration of our relationship. You were always so scared and insecure so you’d pick fights with me all day, how was I supposed to be attracted to that? Did you honestly think that I would ever be able to respect you after that? You insult everything you don’t understand, true sign of a fool. You’ve been wearing the same outfit for four years, you walk like a hobbit, you smell like something that fucking died, and you have the upper body of the runt of the litter. You ain’t shit, your beats ain’t shit, your boys ain’t shit, your dick ain’t shit, your mama ain’t shit, your sister ain’t shit, your nickle and dime ass weed operation ain’t shit, your lab ain’t shit, your swagger ain’t shit. Basically, from about a month in, I knew you were probably going to be one of the biggest mistakes I’d ever made but I was too much of a sucker to break things off. Thought maybe you’d come around. But nope…you sucked from the beginning, you sucked throughout, and you’ll suck forever.
I never wanted to tell you these things because I know your crazy mom fucked you up and you have absolutely zero self-confidence, and I didn’t want to further compound it. But fuck it, you deserve it. You hate me so much, why the fuck have you tried to get me back twenty fucking times? Player please. I’m 500% better off without you, and you’ll be lucky if you ever meet anyone with half the spark I got in one titty. You’re fucking dead to me.
And don’t bother responding because I blocked this email account, which, by the way, is the fourth one you’ve created to torment me with. So you’re blocked…AGAIN! Now get a life and stop fucking stalking me before I gotta throw a bag of shit through your window like you did your old boss, you crazy bitter fuck.
Thank you so much for writing me that little love note! It feels so awesome to stop trying to make amends with you and just own up to the fact that you’re a fucking loser dickhead piece of shit mouthbreather that I’m never going to have to talk to again. If you were here right now I would slap you, spit in your face, kick you in the nuts and steal your cat, who is awesome and who you do not deserve. I’m gonna go enjoy my life without you in it now. Later!
Hell hath no fury…shit, we ain’t gotta tell y’all…
from deep inside of our inbox
ligerbeat loves getting fan mail!
so put it in us! er, our inboxes, that is.
here’s a submission from julie unrulie AKA julie angry.
we love this precious little ligerbeater…thanks ma!
i hesitate to write this as i know its weird but what is ligerbeat if not liberating? i thought id share with you a haiku i wrote [[true story ]] yesterday about a dick that was just too big:
a big black dildo
was too burly for my bag
named it black angus
you go girl! love you.
Candy Rain Magazine 