Ginger Flucking and the Near Raping of the Conchord

This is Tila Tofeelher signing in for The Dicktator. I’m her West Coast Identity. I’m working on a better pseudonym, but this is what I got right now.

Here’s the report from the sheets.

I realize my whole adult life has been a revolving door of D. Good D and bad D. I don’t think I’ve been able to get through more than a month without crashing into the D. Quite literally. And a girl needs to take a break every so often– like the Master Cleanse, but instead of drinking lemonade for 10 days, I was trying to go on a dick fast and meditate about my how my obsession with the D was totally counter productive to my life. So for three months, I went on a D break. My goal was to get through six months of a D break.

I had all sorts of “cheats” built in. I dry humped this comedy writer and made out with some dude at a bar in Dumbo. But I did manage to keep out the D for three months. A world record for me, Tila Tofeelher.

Well, I broke the Dick fast a couple days ago, when this redhead boy from two years ago crashed in. I have a thing for Ginger men (Ginger, a term popularized by South Park). They are like little peals of innocence in big manly packages. Recessive genes and ghostly skin replete with literary innocence.

I also have a thing for Korean men. Yet somehow, I don’t think I’d ever be inclined to boink a cross between a Korean and a Ginger.

Anyway, this Ginger came back into my life. He must have scraped the bottom of his booty call barrel and found me because I thought I’d never hear from him again.

It was a good night of D. Unlike the last D who came by (I call that last guy “The One Thrust Wonder”), this Ginger can’t come. He just kinda stays hard forever… like a dildo with a nice temperature and good a face!

I kept asking all night: “How can you not come?” And he just said he has a hard time coming and usually has to jerk off to actually come. We went for a really really long time at night, and then again in the morning. My mouth got dry because we were going at it so long. I went into the kitchen for some water and then he started to pump away from behind me as I hovered over the sink. And even when I finally told him I was done and he should just jerk it off, he couldn’t– with all the lube and wanking. We were getting so bored waiting for him to come already that we started talking about our taxes.

Which leads me to this question…

Are gingers genetically inclined to stay hard forever and not come? Is there a recessive gene linked to red hair that cause gingers to stay hard so long?

He’s the first ginger I’ve actually bedded. So I’m ready to test out my theory if I find more of them. Where will I find them? NOT in the sun!

In other news, I totally suck at celebrity rape.

I saw Bret from Flight of the Conchords at a quiz bowl event in Los Feliz. I had been told he would be there and made sure I sat at the table that was reserved for him.

He’s somewhat gaunt in real life (why is it most hipsters have scoliosis? And why does it affect the celebrities?).

I stammered about what to say to him. Unlike David Cross in Mr. Show, I actually don’t have a whole lot of Flight of the Conchords taglines memorized. So I couldn’t even stoop to the obnoxious level of quoting his work.

Instead, I accused his table (who won the quiz bowl) of cheating with iphones (an ungrounded accusation) and then sat five feet from him updating my facebook status about him. Then I ran off to go fluck the ginger.

February 26, 2009. Bret McKenzie, celebrity crushes, dick, flight of the conchords, ginger dick, real sex. 7 comments.

Flight of the Conchords vs R Kelly

Calisha Jenkins walked in the door and told me there was a R. Kelly inspired song on the last episode of Flight of the Conchords. Immediately our night was transformed. I fucking fucking love this song. I would love nothing more than for Jemaine and Bret to be on the cover of Ligerbeat beat side my side with their dicks in two hot dog buns covered with ketchup and mustard while relish was being squirted out of their d-licious Lord to the Rings dingdongs. Christ Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Everything we do is based on R. Kelly.

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masonroselee

February 25, 2009. Bret McKenzie, flight of the conchords, Jemaine Clement, R Kelly. Leave a comment.

We got a lot of dicks on our plate.

Dear readers, please accept our most humble apologies for the lapse in blogation. We have been busy little boner bees getting all of our dicks in a row for the printing and release of our first issue, which we expect to premiere in less than two weeks! We hope y’all dudes are as excited as we are. If you haven’t preordered your copy yet, get your twat over to http://www.ligerbeat.com and cop that ish! Oh, and stay tuned here for info about the NYC release party! But for now, I leave you with this.

You know there could never be too many dicks on the dancefloor for us. But still…we love these dudes, and anything about dicks.

February 20, 2009. Bret McKenzie, flight of the conchords, Jemaine Clement, ligerbuzz, music video. Leave a comment.