XOXO Gossip Squirrel! Some chick hacked a dude I was bangings gmail…


Dudes! I got some “XOXO” for you!
This dude I have been banging apparently fucked some chicks world up, so she hacked into his email and pretended to be him and wrote me a cryptic email and then forwarded me some of his emails and gchats with other chicks! Now, don’t get it twisted, he didn’t do anything fucked up to me: we were very casual and hung out about once a week, we have never had any kind of “relationship” talk, and since I am fucking other people I can’t even begin to be jacked about him banging a bunch of other chicks. However, since he clearly fucked two chick’s worlds up, I don’t feel like a assperson for posting this gossip. I can’t believe I just became Gossip Girl because of my dick lovin’ nature! It should be noted that I meet this dude on Halloween and we banged in a playground that was across from a police station while I was dressed as a dream catcher and later he told me he was really bugged out about staying hard because a) he was hella drunk and b) I had ripped part of my outfit so we could fuck and he felt “pressure”- what he didn’t realize is that I had ripped my fishnets and who the fuck cares about ripping the crotch of fishnets because they are just going to blow out when you drop it low on the dance floor anyway.

(note got the pinky up, staying classy and trashy)
The first email was from Playground Sex and I forwarded it to all my ladies:
Playground Sex: have no fear your time will be soon when you fall for me and i screw up your life if your smart you wont fall in love with me but if your not i wish you the best of what is yet to come
Calisha Jenkins: wtf? are you already wasted at 10:30? interrobang?!

He didn’t reply and we were supposed to go out that night. I had no idea what to think of this email but I felt like he knew the difference between your and you’re. So, I texted him “yo, cryptic email. You must have fucked some girl’s world up. but, I am going to gamble. are we still hanging out tonight?”
I can’t save texts because I have a phone from ’03 but his reply was something like “shit, what did it say and yes.” Blah, Blah, Blah we hang out later and bang and the email didn’t come up until the morning.
PS: So, what did that email say?
CJ: Oh, something about how I shouldn’t hang out with you because I will fall in love and you will distroy me.
He rambled on about the hacking of the email not really saying anything of importance and I mentioned he should change his password (duh) and he was very nonchalant about how he needed to change it. Now, you better believe, if someone had tapped into my shit I would have dragged my drunk ass out of whatevs and gone to a internet cafe. So, a week or so goes by and I hit him up to see if he wants to go this art show or possibly drive me to Atlantic City (bitch got a whip, what?).
A couple hours after that I get a bunch of forwards from his email:

5:41 PM PS: mike from the bar isnt picking up the phone
i hope he isnt ignoring me for some reason
5:42 PM PS: maybe you can date him until i get the job, then you can stop, haha
5:44 PM Special Lady Friend: awh yeah maybe i’ll think about it but i didnt screw
it up you did
PS: what did i do?
SLF: he asked if he could ask me out and you were like ahhh i dont know
remeber
remember haha
5:45 PM PS: i thought thats what you wanted
well, you can go on a date now if you want
i think thats my in
SLF: haha stop it im not gona
he was kinda weird and how could he like that much already??? im not
that awesome…or am i???
5:46 PM PS: mh
i meant hm
SLF: but if u think i can get you a job maybe i could but youd
have to do a lot of ass kissing
PS: to whom?
SLF: hmmm….what are you contemplating something
5:47 PM me obviously
PS: ha
SLF: id have to sacrifice myself and date him
PS: dont be selfish
i would date a weirdo for you
5:49 PM ok, well anyways, do you want to hang in the city after your interview>?
i may come in early to go to my parents so we could hang
SLF: sure i think id be done by 2
5:50 PM PS: cool
ill shoot to be there by then and we can find somewhere to go
are you bringing your bike?
5:51 PM SLF: no im coming from pa tomorrow morning
5:52 PM PS: oh, so youre going straight to the city then?
SLF: yes in deed
5:54 PM PS: ok, well im going to jump in the shower now
i guess ill jsut plan on meeting you somewhere in the city tmrw
5:59 PM SLF: k wack off in the shower

The next email I got forwarded was way to personal for me to post but I will give you the closing paragraph:
“wish you loved me but love sucks and hopefully soon i will die….haha
kidding i just beat cancer bitch im not fucking dying…… no way…not
never….” (like…whoa..)
And in the middle she says “please dont continue to do this to people you will only have the same end result of girls beating the shit out of you” bwahahahahaha! (I do not support domestic abuse of any kind, but that is fucking funny!)

His reply:
first off, youre not the only one who feels a loss. ive said
numerous times that i am selfish and try to get you back because i like hanging out with you and miss you. so when we arent together, it is a loss. i know what we had recently was kind of fucked up because it was like we were (obviously I was wrong about his cunjunction skills) both going out but we werent. but honestly, i thought you were dating and that this could work without me fucking your life up again. it almost worked this time. im sorry again, and ill try to not do this to anyone else either. i hope you get that bar job and at least you have one big thing you dont have to worry about this year.
did i sense a little bit of humor at the end there? fuck it, just be
happy when you can. im going to miss you in vt, even if i replace you with one of my sluts, blah, blah, blah. but really, i hope you have a good time doing whatever your doing. and im still going to send you mixes whether you want them or not.

Another email from him but probably from Jacked Hacker Chick:
JHC: told you i would win bitch
Special Lady Friend: Really…..????????? whos acting hostile now
Play Ground Sex: > > aw shit. not again. when did you get that? i havent emailed anything to you since yesterday. fuck. i thought this was over
SLF: yeah ok just like you to blame somone else for shit you say and do. just leave me the fuck alone i get it your done and im done and whatever just leave me the fuck alone
PS: why cant you just believe that i actually do care for you. but that your too fucked up. naybe that is why i love you? idk either way just give me another chance to make it up to you. please??

Riiiiiiggggght! I somehow found my way into a bunch of gooosssip with people I don’t know. I love it! All the gossip I got in the vault I can’t tell, cause I KNOW those people and somehow i got involved with some MelWhoKnows Place! Anyway, so Playground Sex must of really fucked up. Two chicks hate him, both maybe crazy, one was dying (and she sounds pretty boss from the email I can’t share) and the other is good at the internet. He can’t realize he should delete his email. And, I happened to fuck him in a dreamcatcher. Oh, if we had a midget and a monkey I would be in the internet Passions!
Oh and this was the first one I got but I put it last because I don’t even know why I would care. News Flash dudes have friends…?:
10:15 AM PS: Are u doing idiotarod this year?
10:17 AM Some Chick: yes
with lady bro/other lady bro
PS: oh ok
SC: didnt know they were separate
PS: seperate teams
yeah
10:18 AM is there a 4th on your team?
SC: bros bf
and another girl or 2
PS: oh, i forgot she has a bf
SC: yeah
hes nice tho
10:20 AM PS: im sure, its just weird that she has a bf bc shes always on dates
10:21 AM SG: well i guess she found a good one
PS: anyways, thats cool. just wondering
see you later
10:24 AM SC: ok

I love getting up in people’s shit when I don’t know them! He doesn’t use that email really anymore but I kind of want to just keep email him for no reason so I can get my fix on! I don’t have tv you know. I realized the other day he reminds me of Tom Selleck! I couldn’t put my finger on who he looked like but then all this drama happened and of course I thought of The Young And The Restless! Oh and if you like the picture up there you can get more Selleck/Sandwich/Waterfall action here.
Ladies, if this kind of “xoxo – Gossip Girl” shit has happened to you – do tell!

xoxo,
Gossip Squirrel (Leesh Jenks)

February 18, 2010. corruption, dick, drunk, from deep inside our inbox, gossip, known pornographers, sex in public, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Craigslist poetry

Who is this person?! And why won’t he respond to my emails?!

July 28, 2009. craigslist gold, dick, internet gold, welcome to the jungle. Leave a comment.

I am living in a recession of hard dicks.


You would think that being a porn star would mean that it’s easy to get laid. You would assume that by the mere mention of my profession, dicks would start pre-cumming immediately at the idea of visiting the wonderland that is my pussy. I don’t know if there was a curse put on me, but I am seeking help to have it lifted.

It’s Saturday night. I’m at a show. It’s early, so the place is full of all the touring bands. My friend helped set up the show, so he starts introducing me to the bands. One was from NY, and when their van broke down they let my friends stay with them in Rochester for a week. There was something about one of the guys: his face was so familiar and his voice was comforting. We opened our 40 oz’s of Old English and began talking. I love dick just as much as the next girl, but a guy has to pass a few test before he does the ligerslide. You have to know about music. You have to be passionate about something in your life. You have to have some knowledge about gender roles and its effect on society. You have to practice safe sex. You have to be awesome. And you have to have a sense of humor. I don’t care what you look like, but if you can’t laugh at yourself then you have to go.

He meets each requirement without even trying. He is talking to me, and I’m thinking about how good it’s going to feel on top of him. His band plays. I want to fuck him more. He tells me he is a anthropology major. I want to fuck him even more. He tells me he think I am a strong woman. I get wet. We exchange numbers. His band has to leave to play a last minute show on the other side of town. We text. I go home. A few hours later he is in a cab in front of my house.

He comes upstairs and I smoke a bowl while I am making us food. We talk about having weird parents and how dating is overrated. I put a record on and I pack another bowl. He leans over and kisses me. His hands are warm against my face. He is gentle but at the same time still aggressive. I have been wet for hours. He places his left hand on my breast and starts to slowly unzip my pants. I love how this is progressing. His cold fingers feel amazing on my clit and his dick is so hard I have to have it in my mouth. It is hard not to cum right away. I remove my shirt and he removes his clothes.

He is black-haired and handsome. His body feels soft pressed up against mine. I look at his beautiful dick and we decide which condom will work best. He puts a SKYN on and turns me around to fuck me from behind. He starts off slowly teasing me with random hard thrust. We change positions and he’s on top of me I look at him and there’s something wrong.

THE CURSE OF THE SOFT DICK.

I try to save my potential orgasm. I use war tactics. I get on top of him and shove my breast in his face. I can see my orgasm at the finish line, and I’m so close. His dick gets softer and softer. I lose the race. He assures me that it’s not me, it’s him. I assure him that I know this. He feels so horrible. He thinks this is the first time this has happened to me. If only he was right.

There was awkward silence for a few seconds. I was not going to let this soft dick ruin the amazing time I was having with him. I told him no sweat, it happens to dudes all the time. And it’s true. I would rather have a guy stop having sex with me then allow his dick to get soft inside of me. I hate soft dicks with every inch of my soul. A sleeping penis is completely unacceptable. A few minutes later we were laughing about it and the weirdness was gone.

If it wasn’t for Ligerbeat, I don’t think I would have felt comfortable talking to him about it after the loss of the boner, but I was so interested in what was going on in his mind. Some people just can’t fuck outside of relationships. Some people are still in love with other people. Some people just aren’t interested. Overall, I had a great time. I told him that I was going to write about him. He is worried that I am going to destroy his sexual credibility. I told him Ligerbeat will make him a star. He is pretty wonderful.

Masonroselee

March 15, 2009. dick, masonroselee, softies. 2 comments.

Ginger Flucking and the Near Raping of the Conchord

This is Tila Tofeelher signing in for The Dicktator. I’m her West Coast Identity. I’m working on a better pseudonym, but this is what I got right now.

Here’s the report from the sheets.

I realize my whole adult life has been a revolving door of D. Good D and bad D. I don’t think I’ve been able to get through more than a month without crashing into the D. Quite literally. And a girl needs to take a break every so often– like the Master Cleanse, but instead of drinking lemonade for 10 days, I was trying to go on a dick fast and meditate about my how my obsession with the D was totally counter productive to my life. So for three months, I went on a D break. My goal was to get through six months of a D break.

I had all sorts of “cheats” built in. I dry humped this comedy writer and made out with some dude at a bar in Dumbo. But I did manage to keep out the D for three months. A world record for me, Tila Tofeelher.

Well, I broke the Dick fast a couple days ago, when this redhead boy from two years ago crashed in. I have a thing for Ginger men (Ginger, a term popularized by South Park). They are like little peals of innocence in big manly packages. Recessive genes and ghostly skin replete with literary innocence.

I also have a thing for Korean men. Yet somehow, I don’t think I’d ever be inclined to boink a cross between a Korean and a Ginger.

Anyway, this Ginger came back into my life. He must have scraped the bottom of his booty call barrel and found me because I thought I’d never hear from him again.

It was a good night of D. Unlike the last D who came by (I call that last guy “The One Thrust Wonder”), this Ginger can’t come. He just kinda stays hard forever… like a dildo with a nice temperature and good a face!

I kept asking all night: “How can you not come?” And he just said he has a hard time coming and usually has to jerk off to actually come. We went for a really really long time at night, and then again in the morning. My mouth got dry because we were going at it so long. I went into the kitchen for some water and then he started to pump away from behind me as I hovered over the sink. And even when I finally told him I was done and he should just jerk it off, he couldn’t– with all the lube and wanking. We were getting so bored waiting for him to come already that we started talking about our taxes.

Which leads me to this question…

Are gingers genetically inclined to stay hard forever and not come? Is there a recessive gene linked to red hair that cause gingers to stay hard so long?

He’s the first ginger I’ve actually bedded. So I’m ready to test out my theory if I find more of them. Where will I find them? NOT in the sun!

In other news, I totally suck at celebrity rape.

I saw Bret from Flight of the Conchords at a quiz bowl event in Los Feliz. I had been told he would be there and made sure I sat at the table that was reserved for him.

He’s somewhat gaunt in real life (why is it most hipsters have scoliosis? And why does it affect the celebrities?).

I stammered about what to say to him. Unlike David Cross in Mr. Show, I actually don’t have a whole lot of Flight of the Conchords taglines memorized. So I couldn’t even stoop to the obnoxious level of quoting his work.

Instead, I accused his table (who won the quiz bowl) of cheating with iphones (an ungrounded accusation) and then sat five feet from him updating my facebook status about him. Then I ran off to go fluck the ginger.

February 26, 2009. Bret McKenzie, celebrity crushes, dick, flight of the conchords, ginger dick, real sex. 7 comments.

Found this on videogum.

I love a man that only wears a dew rag. 

Let Me Be Your Towel,
Calisha Jenkoff

January 16, 2009. cuts, dick, football. Leave a comment.

He’s One Hell Of A Grower.


Crackie Treehorn sent that to me today! Bless her soul.
Dicks Up, Balls Down,
Calisha Jenkoff
Co-Editor-n-Queef/Pubic Relations
Known Pornographer

January 16, 2009. bench, dick, growers, showers. 1 comment.