Weekend Bonus: "stop stalking me" email!

After his most recent (read: umpteenth) unsuccessful attempt at winning me back, my ex from six months ago sent me an email today while he knew I would be at work calling me, and I quote, a “trifling, untrustworthy, unsupportive, unsympathetic, unreasonable, bratty, manipulative, negative, man-hating, loose stank pussied, large jawed, fat bitch.”

This was in response to me telling him (pretty kindly, I thought) that while it broke my heart to let him down yet again, I didn’t have anything for him, and shit just was not gonna happen.

At first it made me sad, and then it made me want to vandalize his building, and then I remembered that sometimes nothing settles the soul like a good solid ethering. Thought you all would enjoy…

I have held my tongue through all this and never said a single word to intentionally hurt you…until now. Go fuck yourself you fucking pussy. Oh you mad? Why don’t you sit alone in your apartment with no one to talk to because everyone hates you because you’re such a fucking pretentious asshole, crying into your piles of dirty socks and blunt guts and lyrics sheets of d-list local rappers, writing me another gay ass diatribe. “She doesn’t love me? I’ll show her! After she reads this she won’t even know what hit her!” You’re a fucking clown. You think I thought for a second that you meant any of those disses? Nah, I might be a lil on the chubby side and I have my bad days no doubt, but I’m still the best pussy and the nicest, most realest bitch who will ever sniff twice at your stank ass and you know it.

I, on the other hand, don’t miss your dick one fucking bit. I’m happier with my hand. You could have changed into the chillest, most productive, most rational person in the world, and still the thought of laying beneath you as you fucking pounded away with not even the slightest thought towards what feels good to me makes my pussy want to crawl into a corner and die. You fucked me like you were playing a video game, it was all I could do to stay awake.

You were a jealous fucking insecure baby whenever I paid any attention to someone else, male or female, friend or not. You acted like I was two steps away from walking out on you for the entire duration of our relationship. You were always so scared and insecure so you’d pick fights with me all day, how was I supposed to be attracted to that? Did you honestly think that I would ever be able to respect you after that? You insult everything you don’t understand, true sign of a fool. You’ve been wearing the same outfit for four years, you walk like a hobbit, you smell like something that fucking died, and you have the upper body of the runt of the litter. You ain’t shit, your beats ain’t shit, your boys ain’t shit, your dick ain’t shit, your mama ain’t shit, your sister ain’t shit, your nickle and dime ass weed operation ain’t shit, your lab ain’t shit, your swagger ain’t shit. Basically, from about a month in, I knew you were probably going to be one of the biggest mistakes I’d ever made but I was too much of a sucker to break things off. Thought maybe you’d come around. But nope…you sucked from the beginning, you sucked throughout, and you’ll suck forever.

I never wanted to tell you these things because I know your crazy mom fucked you up and you have absolutely zero self-confidence, and I didn’t want to further compound it. But fuck it, you deserve it. You hate me so much, why the fuck have you tried to get me back twenty fucking times? Player please. I’m 500% better off without you, and you’ll be lucky if you ever meet anyone with half the spark I got in one titty. You’re fucking dead to me.

And don’t bother responding because I blocked this email account, which, by the way, is the fourth one you’ve created to torment me with. So you’re blocked…AGAIN! Now get a life and stop fucking stalking me before I gotta throw a bag of shit through your window like you did your old boss, you crazy bitter fuck.

Thank you so much for writing me that little love note! It feels so awesome to stop trying to make amends with you and just own up to the fact that you’re a fucking loser dickhead piece of shit mouthbreather that I’m never going to have to talk to again. If you were here right now I would slap you, spit in your face, kick you in the nuts and steal your cat, who is awesome and who you do not deserve. I’m gonna go enjoy my life without you in it now. Later!

Hell hath no fury…shit, we ain’t gotta tell y’all…

March 14, 2009. dear johnny, from deep inside our inbox. 3 comments.

Dear Heavy Nose Breathing Man,

While I can understand being a little short of breath while running to meet the subway, there is no good reason why you should spend the entire 20 minute train ride essentially panting through your nostrils. I see upon closer inspection you have what seems to be end stage syphilis covering what must have once been you nose and mouth. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to hell for my shitty thoughts, but I dont need to get there faster by sitting in your syphilitic miasma, which is making me increasingly more paranoid by the minute. Seriously guy, we live in the first world and last I checked, it this isn’t the lords usual way of smiting people anymore. Go to the doctor, get some penicillen, and while your there, get a referral for throat and nose specialist. I don’t not pay my taxes just to listen to your panting, laborious breathing disrupt the calm of my subway man hunting.
All the best,
Yung Ho

March 9, 2009. dear johnny, gross, STD's. Leave a comment.