Bad bitch alert

Yo NYC! ‘Chu doin’ tonight? Get off your ass and go check out lady rapper/dj extraordinaire (and total Ligerbeat girl crush) Jasmine Solano. This Philly girl turned Brooklyn broad is about her business, and you know we always super duper extra cosign ladies doin’ it for they damn selves. Whether holding down the decks at her weekly dance party Electric Punanny (what about the part where cohost Melo X describes the party as “an electric vagina oozing with wetness”–he ain’t lyin’), lacing the mic lovely while on tour with the homies Ninjasonik, or blazing up the airwaves with that heat on Emerson College’s WERS, Miss Jazzy is definitely one to watch. But don’t take my word for it. Go peep for yourselves.

April 30, 2009. bad bitches, dance party, girl crushes, rappers. Leave a comment.

Free Danger Caught on Tape

Tonight at the Market Hotel at 9pm. $5, all proceeds go towards showpaper, NYC’s free local music showlisting zine. Our girl Susan Juvet and her mans laced together their favorite Youtube videos and we are stoked to see it because homegirl is just about as Ligerbeat as they come. With stand-up at intermission! Come through and support your local labies doin’ thangs.

You can find the trailer rightchea.

April 29, 2009. free danger caught on tape, labies doin thangs, susan juvet, youtube. Leave a comment.

The new Ligerbeat mascot

This is not really wang-related, but everyone fucking loves kittens, so I figured, what the hey. Beaters, meet your new mascot, Lil Wanda Loosie Ma, AKA LaWanda, AKA Loose Loose.

I got her about a week ago from the ASPCA up on 92nd, saw her in her cage and it was love at first sight. When we let her out, I crouched down to pet her and she crawled right into my lap. She had been at the shelter for four months, which is a really long time. Nobody wanted her because she’s missing an eye and has a bum heart. Which is fine by me because now she is mine all mine!

The vet (who, I might add, was grade A Ligerbeat material: young, educated, and heavily tattooed) said she got brought in from a feral colony with her eyeball literally hanging out of its socket. They think she must have been an escaped pet before she became a stray, because she is so amazingly sweet and loving. She is very encouraging of my lounging habits, and can usually be found giving me facenudges or anchoring me down to the couch by placing her fat ass directly in my lap. She is so fuzzy and nommy! I have lived with kitties before but never had my own. I’m so in love.

Sometimes I think she might miss the streets. But then she’ll creep up and give me little kitty kisses and I know she’s glad to be here.
She is a bad lil’ broad.

Correction: Let it be known that Lil Wanda Loosie Ma is the feline mascot of Ligerbeat. We can’t forget about our little puppy friend Radar who is and forever will be our trusty canine mascot! He travels with us and everything.

April 23, 2009. bad bitches, crackie treehorn, kittens, lil wanda loosie ma, things that aren't about penises. 2 comments.

This is kind of fucked up.

Syke, it’s really fucked up. This video footage of three cops tasing the shit out of a nekkid wizard, probably tripping balls, definitely pretty out of it, at Coachella is semi-disturbing. You will laugh really hard, and then you’ll cringe, and then you’ll feel somewhat vindicated knowing it was captured by the miracle of modern mobile technology.

Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

At first I was fucking rollin–this dude’s dick is fucking tiny, right? His penis looks like one of those ponytails that girls with hair that’s too short to put up rock. Nah, you know what? It looks like a zit that really needs to be popped that just also happened to be located between his legs. I hope for his special lady friends’ sakes that he’s a grower, but something tells me he’s not. And he refuses to put clothes on! He’s all, “Fuck you, you trust fund dippin, khaki rockin, Dave Matthews bumpin ass hippies! Even though I’m one of you…these shrooms are the shit, and I’ve transcended to the next level brah, and I’m totally gonna show you squares what this shit is all about!” Viewing his antics, I chuckled softly to myself, secure in the knowledge that I never have and never will have sex with a Trustafarian.

And then suddenly, when I saw the pigs repeatedly tasing the shit out of this innocent dickless basehead, my giggles turned to gasps. Seeing cops go nuts on harmless citizens is nothing new. Matterfact, I think my MDC album has been getting more play in recent months than when I was in my punkest of punk phases. And we all know that angsty white kids are the second favorite target of police, with The Browns in general coming in at first place. But it still bothers me. Not one of those kids standing around with their $20 Pac Sun flip flops and BPA-free water bottles did shit! I mean, they must not get wasted enough at those festivals, because usually there is at least one Captain Save-A-Bro who steps in and gets arrested too during shocking displays of police brutality such as these.

Ayo pigs, why you always gotta keep the party down? It’s all good though, I got a hundred bucks says that dude’s parentals will cough up the dough for an expensive attorney, and the ACLU’s gonna be all up on this and maybe, just maybe, these cops with dicks even smaller than their victim’s will be totally wrecked for the rest of their lives. After all, they say God only looks after children and fools…so this guy’s gotta be good, right?

Yours in cop and yuppie hating,
Crackie Treehorn

April 23, 2009. crackie treehorn, dick look like a baby thumb, pigs, the browns, trustafarians. 1 comment.

T.I. Dip it down lower please.

Saw this on Around the Way Girls. They seem really grossed out by it. I’m just sad we can’t see the stump for all the bush. I personally don’t mind a mass of pubes, you need to floss every day ya know.

oh, this is calisha jenkins jerkin off by the by.

April 22, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Babies Creep Me Out

For serious, lesson duly noted.

April 21, 2009. baybays, condoms, internet gold, midgets, the germans, youtube. 2 comments.

Wipe me down!

A few years back, I was broing down with some bros and the conversation meandered towards giving girls facials. One of my boys was totally aghast at the idea of crop dusting his special lady friend’s face, and couldn’t understand how a righteous feminizzle bitch such as yours truly would want to get down with something he perceived as being so inherently degrading to women.

I’ve heard others echo this sentiment since then, and it never ceases to amaze me how some people think that one’s world view must also dictate one’s sexual inclinations. There are powerful CEO’s who like getting tied up and whipped by dominatrixes and black militants who enjoy dabbling in a little milk of magnesia–so why wouldn’t there be feminists who like to catch a load to the chin every once in a while? I mean, I understand that the physical act of coitus is more of a cut-and-paste operation for some than others, but come on. It’s a little spilled seed. Are we really gonna split hairs here?

By this point, perhaps you have inferred that I am a pretty big fan of bukkake. Not like crazy group jerk sessions onto my face while my eyelids are held open by clamps. There will be none of that, have you ever gotten jizz in your eye? It feels like someone just punched you directly in the facial. And not in a good way either. No, I’m talking about a good old-fashioned body drenching. There is just something so satisfying about seeing a huge load sittin’ pretty on my boobage after a job well done. A new pearl necklace? For me? Aw shit baby, you shouldn’t have!

To me, a skeet skeeted into a condom is a skeet skeet wasted. I mean, mutual orgasms are cool and all but I’m deathly afraid of getting knocked up before I’m good and goddamned ready, so even when there’s a condom in play, I get easily spooked thinking about what would happen if it broke mid-nut. I’d much rather feel the splooge hit my skin and know instantly that no babies were conceived in the making of this sexual encounter.

It also enables me to really get in there and gauge the intensity of orgasm, based on speed of projection, trajectory arc, and volume. Plus, I am the kind of person who needs closure–the more visceral, the better–and this, to me, is a guy’s way of saying, “Here, take this little present special from me to you for being such a hot ass motherfucking sexual goddess.” And I ain’t mad at that. I’m really not.

However, there is definitely some post-spattering etiquette that I feel needs to be addressed here. Most guys will give you a haphazard dry rub with whatever towel or t-shirt is handy. Some will just leave you to your own devices and wander off to the bathroom to wash their nuts. Some will hand you a crusty sock from up off the floor and laugh sheepishly. Shut up, it has happened to the best of us, or at least to those of us who have fucked with a stoner punk dude…or seven.

What the fuck is up with that shit? I’m sayin’. Feel free to take a minute to look at the map of Hawaii you just spilled on my stomach, but fuck’s sake. I just worked that party puddle out of your body with my body, maing. Wipe me down already! (A-wipe me down.) On that note, I have decided that the day a man lovingly sops up his goo from my chest with a clean, hot, moist towel is the day that I start giving up the buttsex.

Sooo, fellas. Bedside towel-warming station: who’s copping?

April 21, 2009. bukkake, buy us shit, crackie treehorn, facials, feminizzle, ladies who love the d, selfish penixes, spooge, the japanese, towels, veiled references to the big lebowski, wetiquette. 9 comments.

Robocock, Roboload Pt. 2!

While doing my daily interweb perusing I came upon this video from the mind-blowingly awesome artist Micheal Sullivan. This video, which could proudly be called any artist’s magnum opus, is apparently too crass for the stuck up prudes at youtube. So it is now being hosted by Wired magazine, which is actually a much cooler read than I had expected. It’s kinda sad that youtube felt good art that depicted graphic robot sex would somehow sully their reputation. Surriously? One of your most watched videos of all time is Spongebob doing the Soulja Boy.
Ps: Jk, I love you youtube.

April 20, 2009. ahht, R2D2, robots, science fiction, youtube. Leave a comment.

Giant Gaping Sphincter Discovered in Japan

Holy fuck! What the fuck is that thing?! This mystery butthole creature was ostensibly discovered by three drunken Japanese simpletons, who proceeded to penetrate it with sticks and give it a crucial beer enemas for the better part of what seems like half an hour. My better judgement wants to call hoax on it, but actual me needs to believe in the existence of giant frilly pink sucking buttholes.
Please God, I’ve never asked for much, but I NEED this.
Click the picture to watch the video.

April 20, 2009. bungholes gross, the back door, the japanese, youtube. 2 comments.

Being Safe Is Adorable!

This durex commercial is fucking cute.

April 18, 2009. animals, condoms, internet gold, youtube. 1 comment.

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