Back Up ‘Cause His Mass’ll Chokeya!

Do I even need to say anything? That is my kind of party.

February 27, 2009. celebrity crushes, ginger dick, meat products, videos. Leave a comment.

Ginger Flucking and the Near Raping of the Conchord

This is Tila Tofeelher signing in for The Dicktator. I’m her West Coast Identity. I’m working on a better pseudonym, but this is what I got right now.

Here’s the report from the sheets.

I realize my whole adult life has been a revolving door of D. Good D and bad D. I don’t think I’ve been able to get through more than a month without crashing into the D. Quite literally. And a girl needs to take a break every so often– like the Master Cleanse, but instead of drinking lemonade for 10 days, I was trying to go on a dick fast and meditate about my how my obsession with the D was totally counter productive to my life. So for three months, I went on a D break. My goal was to get through six months of a D break.

I had all sorts of “cheats” built in. I dry humped this comedy writer and made out with some dude at a bar in Dumbo. But I did manage to keep out the D for three months. A world record for me, Tila Tofeelher.

Well, I broke the Dick fast a couple days ago, when this redhead boy from two years ago crashed in. I have a thing for Ginger men (Ginger, a term popularized by South Park). They are like little peals of innocence in big manly packages. Recessive genes and ghostly skin replete with literary innocence.

I also have a thing for Korean men. Yet somehow, I don’t think I’d ever be inclined to boink a cross between a Korean and a Ginger.

Anyway, this Ginger came back into my life. He must have scraped the bottom of his booty call barrel and found me because I thought I’d never hear from him again.

It was a good night of D. Unlike the last D who came by (I call that last guy “The One Thrust Wonder”), this Ginger can’t come. He just kinda stays hard forever… like a dildo with a nice temperature and good a face!

I kept asking all night: “How can you not come?” And he just said he has a hard time coming and usually has to jerk off to actually come. We went for a really really long time at night, and then again in the morning. My mouth got dry because we were going at it so long. I went into the kitchen for some water and then he started to pump away from behind me as I hovered over the sink. And even when I finally told him I was done and he should just jerk it off, he couldn’t– with all the lube and wanking. We were getting so bored waiting for him to come already that we started talking about our taxes.

Which leads me to this question…

Are gingers genetically inclined to stay hard forever and not come? Is there a recessive gene linked to red hair that cause gingers to stay hard so long?

He’s the first ginger I’ve actually bedded. So I’m ready to test out my theory if I find more of them. Where will I find them? NOT in the sun!

In other news, I totally suck at celebrity rape.

I saw Bret from Flight of the Conchords at a quiz bowl event in Los Feliz. I had been told he would be there and made sure I sat at the table that was reserved for him.

He’s somewhat gaunt in real life (why is it most hipsters have scoliosis? And why does it affect the celebrities?).

I stammered about what to say to him. Unlike David Cross in Mr. Show, I actually don’t have a whole lot of Flight of the Conchords taglines memorized. So I couldn’t even stoop to the obnoxious level of quoting his work.

Instead, I accused his table (who won the quiz bowl) of cheating with iphones (an ungrounded accusation) and then sat five feet from him updating my facebook status about him. Then I ran off to go fluck the ginger.

February 26, 2009. Bret McKenzie, celebrity crushes, dick, flight of the conchords, ginger dick, real sex. 7 comments.


Our girl Anthrax reminded us of this little dickalicious ditty. All we have to say is: dick clock. Clarence Carter, Carence Carter, oooooooh shit, Clarence Carter!

February 26, 2009. clarence carter, dick clock, ligerbeat, music video, strokin. Leave a comment.

Flight of the Conchords vs R Kelly

Calisha Jenkins walked in the door and told me there was a R. Kelly inspired song on the last episode of Flight of the Conchords. Immediately our night was transformed. I fucking fucking love this song. I would love nothing more than for Jemaine and Bret to be on the cover of Ligerbeat beat side my side with their dicks in two hot dog buns covered with ketchup and mustard while relish was being squirted out of their d-licious Lord to the Rings dingdongs. Christ Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Everything we do is based on R. Kelly.

known pornographer

February 25, 2009. Bret McKenzie, flight of the conchords, Jemaine Clement, R Kelly. Leave a comment.


Photos by Caitlyn Bridges
Models: King Fisher and Nice Natalee

Mason Rose Lee

February 25, 2009. comic porn, feminist porn, marvel sex, masonroselee. 5 comments.

Pepa is my role model.

I just got in a Youtube hole right quick and stumbled across this totally excellent heavy metal version of the Salt’n’Pepa classic “None of Your Business.” This song has been one of my personal anthems since long before I even had the experience to understand how serious the real talk is in this jam. And I don’t know if you guys watched their reality show last year, but Pepa is seriously that bitch. Salt got all Christian and wanted to clean up some of the verses on their reunion tour and Pepa was like, fuck all that noise, I am a nasty motherfucker and people need to hear this shit. Swoon. So take a a moment to behold this awesomeness.

February 22, 2009. ladies who love the d, music video, rappers, salt and peppa, youtube. Leave a comment.

Dicks In Our Box: Things I’m Barely Tolerating This Week

Before I rattle off the list of things I’m barely tolerating this week, I will explain how on Wednesday I find myself with a new dude who is texting me to the point of chronic irritation. Last Saturday afternoon shortly before dinner, I am forced by a persistant friend to leave my bed (I spent all day sleeping one off) so I can listen to her talk at length about dudes. As per standard. I show up smelling like I belong in a barn, hair fucked into an enormous hank at the back of my head, wearing flip flops and a DARE t-shirt, still hung over and irritated that I’m not in my room with the blinds drawn. So we trade stories about trawling for bottom feeders and repeat offenders in crappy bars, leaving out none of the obscene details. All of this is usual. Only this afternoon, there is some dude there I have met briefly once or twice, but who listens to us both prattle on at length about the people in our beds the night before. I actually thought he was gay, so I wasn’t too embarassed (but more about that later). Long and short of it, I think him attractive but boring, and apparently he likes the way my tits look in my stinky DARE shirt. I make up an excuse to leave because I’m tired of listening to him talk about being a salesman after criticizing my friends ill-manicured nails. He texts me, I go to the bar without him to get drunk, I text him after last call, he comes over… [yes, I am a six dollar whore]. THE CONVERSATION IS AWFUL. And now we have arrived at the list of things about him that I am barely tolerating this week and will probably not be tolerating next week.

1. He is a helpless fiend for text messaging. This included sending pix messages of the view from
my apartment to his roommate.
2. He talked at length about his “bromance” with his roommate, how close they are, how terribly he misses him when he’s gone, etc. I know everyone is a little bit gay, but come on now…
3. After seeing that every surface in my room is covered in stacks of books, he comments that he only has two books, and that he hasn’t read anything in two years.
4. He looks through my closet, commenting that I don’t have many clothes or shoes.
5. He tells me that he has 32 pairs of shoes. This makes his shoe-to-book ratio 32:1.
6. We wear the same perfume.
7. He tells me how much the car payment is for his Audi.
8. He thinks it is all right to use the word “cuddling” when not preceeded by the phrase “I hate”.
9. He expressed irritation that he couldn’t find his Marc Jacobs sunglasses; he could only find his white-rimmed aviator Raybans.
10. And to round the list off at an even ten, I will repeat, WE WEAR THE SAME PERFUME.

So the guy’s a dandy straight out of an Oscar Wilde novel. But, because the sex was awe-inspiring, multiple orgasm inducing, second only to one person in memory, and in short almost WORTH THE PAIN, I saw him again Monday. He spent the first forty minutes in the bar two-handed texting his roommate/gay fake husband, and finally he asked me to put his phone away. I was heaving a relieved sigh and fiddling with his jacket pocket when he PULLED OUT A SECOND BLACKBERRY. Motherfucker’s got two. Later, he seemed unhappy with my choice of outfits and tried to convince me that I should take off my hoodie and put on the tiny jacket thing he’s wearing. So, of course, in the future he will doubtlessly try to dress me like the life-sized blonde Barbie he always wanted. I spend every moment I possibly can steal standing at the bar making fun of him to whomever will listen, because, apparently, laughing at his expense does NOT get old. Later, he drove me to his loft in his Audi and fucked all of my reservations about his mind-numbing materialism right out of my head. And every time I hear my phone beep to indicate that I have a text message, my heart sinks a little in dread of what inanity demands my response. Last night, he referred to himself as a “sad boii”. And then I threw up all over my not-nearly-stylish-enough shoes.

known pornographer

February 22, 2009. dicks in our box. Leave a comment.

Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!

As young pornographers and sex enthusiasts, the Ligerbeat team was more than excited when we found out there was a Sex in America lecture happening at the New York Open Center co-sponsored by Huffington Post. The idea of sitting in a room full of people who have potentially all had orgasms in the last 24 hours makes a girl feel right at home. Plus, I mean come on, sitting in a room of people who love talking about sex as much as we do sounds pretty dope.

The lecture, which was actually more of an open conversation, was led by sex superdiva author Esther Perel, with a panel full of sex geniuses chiming in. There was a motley crew of individuals all seeming very eager for the discussion to begin. We made our way to VIP (big ups to the lovely Gail Johnson), whipped out our pens and notebooks, and began Ligerbeating.

We were asked what social conversation we would like to see happening, and what issues are currently being dealt with. Each of the varied panel judges gave their opinion.

Dickalicious author Cory Silverberg had interest in obsession with sexual individualism and the much-needed change in sex education, as well as sex laws and the way that sexual offenders are dealt with. As he put it, there’s a lot of sexual conversation going on in America, but the mainstream media is doing a shitty job of creating a larger dialogue.

Sextastic Leonore Tiefer, a longtime professor and sex educator at NYU, feels the idea of sex should not be taught as something that is natural, . As part of a greater effort to change public opinions on sex from what it was in the fifties–shameful, demonized–to something we can talk about, many sex educators have preached that it’s “natural” to have sex. But the problem with that, according to Dr. Tiefer, is that putting that label on sex pushes us to define and normalize it, when sex is not something that can be universally defined. It’s different for every single person on this earth. It actually blew my mind when she was talking about the sociohistoric conceptions of sex. Good stuff.

Amy Sohn, sex blogger and columnist, touched on some really interesting issues about mating versus breeding and the misconceptions of sex and marriage. I was really interested in the topic of keeping a good sex life after 50 years of marriage and the roles of women all throughout their sexual and dating growth. The unrealistic 1950’s image and expectations that is being shoved down the throats of Americans needs to stop and I completely agree.

Cunnilingus contortionist Ian Kerner, PhD and author of She Comes First talked about the lack of sex in America. He felt that couples do not talk about sex on an open normal level. He had some great things to say about the retarded levels of censorship he faced on his book tour–like how when he went on morning tv and they wouldn’t show the title of his book. He also writes about a pussy-eating master move called the rope-a-dope lick. I’m not sure what it’s all about but it sounds awesome. Pussies all over the world moisten at the mere mention of its name.

Clearly it was an amazing night. We talked about desire and love. Everyone called for a better sexual education model. We discussed infidelity and views of sex in other countries. We talked about the lack of women in the pornography field and we ensured the crowd that we were taking the porn world over. It was such a good night and we even got to meet sex glamazon Candida Royalle, founder of Femme Productions, who was wearing a pair of fishnets I would die for. There were lots of opinions there, but one thing we all agreed on: there’s not enough people talking about sex. We give it so much power but there are so many couples who don’t even communicate about what they do and don’t like! If everyone knew the right way to ask to get their o-face on, there would be no beef. Like, ever.

People were really amped about the Beat. We have never felt so loved and we met some pretty crazy peeps. Beating has never been better.

mason rose lee
known pornographer

February 22, 2009. dickalogues, salt and peppa. Leave a comment.

Oversexed Ladies Doin Their Thing

Robots in Disguise The Sex Has Made Me Stupid

I was tubing one day and I stumbled upon Robots In Disguise Turn It Up video. I immedietly was hooked to their sweet spastic dance moves and bumpin electronic beats. I’ve made this video my personal theme song. The Berlin dance scene is full of amazing acts but Robots in Disguise is by far my favorite.

Nicky Click
Don’t Call Me Baby

Nicky Click is serious business. This super sassy girl from Olympia brings to life her red and black lace dream world with songs that deal with female identity, dancing hard and being comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. I give her two cocks up.


February 21, 2009. nicky click, robots in disguise, videos, youtube. Leave a comment.


LigerBeat is going to a Sex In America Symposium tonight, we are hella stoked to be amongst other smut lovers. After we are going to be at this pizzarrty, dick huntin and getting looooose on the floor. Check out my blogs about the night on, here and here oh and here.
Come get crunk with us!

February 20, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

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