Dudes Who Fell the Fuck Off: Val Kilmer

Poor, poor Val Kilmer. I understand how fucked up it is when papz catch you just having finished a whole pizza pie to yourself, quietly enjoying a Bud (Light), just trying to catch a moment of solace. WELL TOO BAD FATTY. Seriously, this is worse than Cary Elwes. You played Jim Morrison! You were the Iceman in Top Gun! Fuck it, you were Batman! How you gonna go from Batman to Fatman? Bruce Wayne to Bruce Plain? Apparently he’s planning to run for senate, which it seems is the field you fall into when your acting career is pretty much deaded. Makes sense. Anyways, I’m being hard ol’ Vally Kils cause I care. Seriously. You live in New Mexico. Cop your ass a tan. Grow a beard. Do something. It’s 2009 for fucks sake, and if Obama can ask a nation for change, so can I ask you, Val Kilmer, please change. Its for the best.

February 10, 2009. celebrity crushes, dudes who fell the fuck off. 1 comment.

Dudes Who Fell the Fuck Off: Noreaga

I just want to let it be known first and foremost that I totally heart N.O.R.E.–I mean, how could anyone not love someone whose name is a backronym for Niggaz On the Run Eatin, cuts coke with Goya, and rocks this chain:

That being said, dude has fallen the fuck off. Aside from the fact that he hasn’t dropped a good album since 2002, he has also gone from flossin:

To tossin:

That’s a whole lotta Superthug, y’all.

February 9, 2009. dudes who fell the fuck off, rappers. Leave a comment.

Dudes Who Fell the Fuck Off: D’angelo

You know when you see one of your exes, and they blew up like they ain’t been doing shit but sitting on their asses, eating nothing but cheesesteaks and playing Halo since you broke up? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Well, that’s how I felt when I saw how D’angelo is looking these days. Now I have always had a little sum sum for this singer-songwriter, who’s a b-list hometown hero back in Richmond, Virginia. Since his popularity during the neosoul heyday in the late nineties/early eights, D’angelo went half on a baby with the amazing Jill Scott, got knocked on the weed/DUI tip, caught a coke possession charge, then flipped himself out of an SUV upon contact with some farmer’s fence in Powhatan. Oops.

This is how he looked before all that:

PSL’s? Check.
Pretty brown eyes deeper than sound? Check.
Adorable dimples and sexy half-smile? Check.
The ill pelvic v-cuts? Check.
Shoulders and biceps that look like they were made for doing pushups all over my crotchal? Check.
That’s right players, they grow ’em right in Southside. Well, sometimes.

And this is his mugshot after the car crash:

Now don’t get me twisted, I’d still hit. Mama’s never really mad at a little chub chub, and if the eyes and voice are still in tact, so is my crush. However, I think it’s still reasonably safe to say that out-of-control neckbeard and sad, lost little thousand-mile stare put D’angelo squarely into dudes who fell the fuck off territory.

After returning from a stint at a baller rehab joint in Antigua, he’s been getting his shit straight and working on his third studio album, tentatively titled james river and slated for release some time this year. Fingers crossed that he gets back on the grown and sexy path ASAP… all of us Ligerbeat ladies are pulling for your D, D!

February 8, 2009. d'angelo, dudes who fell the fuck off. 1 comment.

Dudes Who Fell the Fuck Off: Cary Elwes

Photo Courtesy of http://www.gtsav.gatech.edu/students/studentcenter/archive/bbarchive/july07.html

I feel almost bad about doing this one. If you were a teenage girl anytime during the 90’s you had the hugest boner for this dude. Cary Elwes, better known as Wesley of Princess Bride fame, is basically famous for giving girls that first funny feeling in their swimsuit areas. A total sexy sub (I still dream about dudes saying ‘as you wish’ to me), he sort of disappeared off the face of the earth, to leave us pining for the day our prince charming would return.
And return he did, 20 extra pounds and a bad horror movie franchise heavier. To be fair, time can be a cruel mistress but has it seriously been that long? While the man on the left possesses such golden, youthful beauty you can practically feel the flutter of angel wings about him while sweet perfume clings to the air, the one on the left looks like he’s trying to convince you to come back to his condo to ‘show you his sheet music.’ Sigh. As you wish.

February 5, 2009. celebrity crushes, dudes who fell the fuck off, early 90's. Leave a comment.