Dudes in clothes: gift wrapping a sausage.

It started with Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling. And now we have What Chuck Wore. Sometimes I look in a dude’s eyes to see the base of the dick, you know. Also, let it be noted I met Mr. Bass at a real swanky open bar party for Eva Amurri’s bday (natch, I was double-fisting a ‘Goose dirty martini and a glass of Cristal). I strolled over to him and started chatting him up about how I wanted to interview him for BUST; we made our way over to a corner where he sang Remix to Ignition to me in a British accent while that other dude from Gossip Girl with the gay face stood by looking gay. A friend of mine went to a GG wrap party where I instructed him to remind my new flame of how deep his love for me was and that if he wanted we could do the entire interview in song a la Trapped in the Closet, and that would rule my world. Sadly, he must sing Kels to errrrybody, or he was fully loaded, ’cause he didn’t remember that magic moment at all. Either way, at least I remember the serenade. And seriously even if it wasn’t Chuck Fucking Hotness Bass I would have totally fallen for any British rendition of Kels, unless it was I Believe I Can Fly…just shut the fuck up with that. 

So yeah, sometimes I look at dudes in clothes and I like it, don’t hate.


May 8, 2009. celebrity crushes, chuck bass, R Kelly, ryan gosling. Leave a comment.

Liger attacks Tommy Wiseau at first midnight NYC screening of The Room

So much for playing hard to get.

March 23, 2009. celebrity crushes, fantasy dick, ligerbuzz, ny, tommy wiseau. 5 comments.


Can you guess who these two people are?!

Vampire Wiseau and my very own west coast personality, Tila Tofeelher last weekend. That kiss was supposed to be mine and now its on. That must be why you have such a look of horror on your face during his cold embrace of affection and sexy ripply flesh.

Let’s just see what a good time he has if he shows March 20th for the NYC The Room midnight festival.. I will play hard to get and then try my classic move of having SEXUAL TURRETS all up on him. Always works amazingly. But either way, now I am STOKED about having Tommy do a vampire porn for Liger Inc films!

March 4, 2009. celebrity crushes, fantasy dick, ligerbuzz, ny, tommy wiseau. 3 comments.

UFO: Unexplainable Fucking Obsession

Photo Credit: http://www.thefastlanetomillions.com

You know how they say you can’t help who you fall in love with? Like on some star-crossed lovers shit? Or when your dorky ass had a crush on the most popular boy in class? Well meet my new unexplainable fucking obsession, Vince Offer. Better known as “the ShamWow Dude” or “the Slap Chop Guy”, I can’t help but find him kinda irresistible. Perhaps it is my preoccupation with all things infomercial related (ex. snuggies), but I find myself drawn to this magic huckster like a moth to the soft glow of a television set. First off, his infomercials are by far the most entertaining of any that are currently on air. While Billy May’s fat bearded ass manages to wax poetic on the virtues of Oxyclean while somehow maxing out the volume on your TV set, Vince hawks his wares with a sexy, almost Groucho Marx-like panache.

Listen closely for the nuggets, as he spits them rapid fire like a one-sided rap battle. Nuggets such as “Your gonna be in a great mood all day cause your going to be slapping your troubles away”, “…Now you have a nice tuna salad. Your going to have an exciting life now”, and “Life’s hard enough as it is, you don’t want to cry anymore”, when talking about an onion. A fucking onion! Genius, this man is!
My favorite is when he looks at the camera and says “Your gonna love my nuts.” And you know what?
Fuck the haters, I do love his nuts.

March 3, 2009. celebrity crushes, cooking, infomercials, snuggies, UFO's, youtube. 5 comments.

Back Up ‘Cause His Mass’ll Chokeya!

Do I even need to say anything? That is my kind of party.

February 27, 2009. celebrity crushes, ginger dick, meat products, videos. Leave a comment.

Ginger Flucking and the Near Raping of the Conchord

This is Tila Tofeelher signing in for The Dicktator. I’m her West Coast Identity. I’m working on a better pseudonym, but this is what I got right now.

Here’s the report from the sheets.

I realize my whole adult life has been a revolving door of D. Good D and bad D. I don’t think I’ve been able to get through more than a month without crashing into the D. Quite literally. And a girl needs to take a break every so often– like the Master Cleanse, but instead of drinking lemonade for 10 days, I was trying to go on a dick fast and meditate about my how my obsession with the D was totally counter productive to my life. So for three months, I went on a D break. My goal was to get through six months of a D break.

I had all sorts of “cheats” built in. I dry humped this comedy writer and made out with some dude at a bar in Dumbo. But I did manage to keep out the D for three months. A world record for me, Tila Tofeelher.

Well, I broke the Dick fast a couple days ago, when this redhead boy from two years ago crashed in. I have a thing for Ginger men (Ginger, a term popularized by South Park). They are like little peals of innocence in big manly packages. Recessive genes and ghostly skin replete with literary innocence.

I also have a thing for Korean men. Yet somehow, I don’t think I’d ever be inclined to boink a cross between a Korean and a Ginger.

Anyway, this Ginger came back into my life. He must have scraped the bottom of his booty call barrel and found me because I thought I’d never hear from him again.

It was a good night of D. Unlike the last D who came by (I call that last guy “The One Thrust Wonder”), this Ginger can’t come. He just kinda stays hard forever… like a dildo with a nice temperature and good a face!

I kept asking all night: “How can you not come?” And he just said he has a hard time coming and usually has to jerk off to actually come. We went for a really really long time at night, and then again in the morning. My mouth got dry because we were going at it so long. I went into the kitchen for some water and then he started to pump away from behind me as I hovered over the sink. And even when I finally told him I was done and he should just jerk it off, he couldn’t– with all the lube and wanking. We were getting so bored waiting for him to come already that we started talking about our taxes.

Which leads me to this question…

Are gingers genetically inclined to stay hard forever and not come? Is there a recessive gene linked to red hair that cause gingers to stay hard so long?

He’s the first ginger I’ve actually bedded. So I’m ready to test out my theory if I find more of them. Where will I find them? NOT in the sun!

In other news, I totally suck at celebrity rape.

I saw Bret from Flight of the Conchords at a quiz bowl event in Los Feliz. I had been told he would be there and made sure I sat at the table that was reserved for him.

He’s somewhat gaunt in real life (why is it most hipsters have scoliosis? And why does it affect the celebrities?).

I stammered about what to say to him. Unlike David Cross in Mr. Show, I actually don’t have a whole lot of Flight of the Conchords taglines memorized. So I couldn’t even stoop to the obnoxious level of quoting his work.

Instead, I accused his table (who won the quiz bowl) of cheating with iphones (an ungrounded accusation) and then sat five feet from him updating my facebook status about him. Then I ran off to go fluck the ginger.

February 26, 2009. Bret McKenzie, celebrity crushes, dick, flight of the conchords, ginger dick, real sex. 7 comments.

Dudes Who Fell the Fuck Off: Val Kilmer

Poor, poor Val Kilmer. I understand how fucked up it is when papz catch you just having finished a whole pizza pie to yourself, quietly enjoying a Bud (Light), just trying to catch a moment of solace. WELL TOO BAD FATTY. Seriously, this is worse than Cary Elwes. You played Jim Morrison! You were the Iceman in Top Gun! Fuck it, you were Batman! How you gonna go from Batman to Fatman? Bruce Wayne to Bruce Plain? Apparently he’s planning to run for senate, which it seems is the field you fall into when your acting career is pretty much deaded. Makes sense. Anyways, I’m being hard ol’ Vally Kils cause I care. Seriously. You live in New Mexico. Cop your ass a tan. Grow a beard. Do something. It’s 2009 for fucks sake, and if Obama can ask a nation for change, so can I ask you, Val Kilmer, please change. Its for the best.

February 10, 2009. celebrity crushes, dudes who fell the fuck off. 1 comment.

Dudes Who Fell the Fuck Off: Cary Elwes

Photo Courtesy of http://www.gtsav.gatech.edu/students/studentcenter/archive/bbarchive/july07.html

I feel almost bad about doing this one. If you were a teenage girl anytime during the 90’s you had the hugest boner for this dude. Cary Elwes, better known as Wesley of Princess Bride fame, is basically famous for giving girls that first funny feeling in their swimsuit areas. A total sexy sub (I still dream about dudes saying ‘as you wish’ to me), he sort of disappeared off the face of the earth, to leave us pining for the day our prince charming would return.
And return he did, 20 extra pounds and a bad horror movie franchise heavier. To be fair, time can be a cruel mistress but has it seriously been that long? While the man on the left possesses such golden, youthful beauty you can practically feel the flutter of angel wings about him while sweet perfume clings to the air, the one on the left looks like he’s trying to convince you to come back to his condo to ‘show you his sheet music.’ Sigh. As you wish.

February 5, 2009. celebrity crushes, dudes who fell the fuck off, early 90's. Leave a comment.

Lil Wayne: Musician, Philanthropist, Total Pussy Charmer

Last night, journalist and vice-presidential career ruiner Katie Couric interviewed Lil Wayne for the Grammies. They did all the things you’d imagine doing with Lil Wayne. They went bowling, went on a journey through his face, hung out at her office, and then somewhere along the way possibly drank some sizzurp and smoked a fuck ton of weed.
What surprised me most about her interview first, is how astonishingly charming Wayne is. In the interview he always referred to her as “Miz Katie” and almost teared up talking about the aftermath of Katrina on his hometown of New Orleans. He was a honor roll student! A for totes adorable! It seems that Wayne, like most scary dudes with face tattoos, has a total case of Pretty Woman syndrome. A gangsta with a heart of diamond encrusted platinum indeed. The second thing, which is little less surprising knowing LigerBeat-y bitch I am, is how much I totally want to bang Lil Wayne now. Not only does he have a total case of crazy eyes, which is sort of my favorite flavor at the moment, but he’s fucking hilarious!
Lil Wayne’s crazy eyes
The last 4 minutes are peppered with nuggets such as this one, when asked about his love of the green. “I am rapper, Miz Katie, and a gansta. I do what I want. And I love to smoke,” which he says he does now for “medical reasons.” I nearly busted my shit when he does the weather report. Forecast looks wet and fucking horny! So in the tradition of dudes we’d totally let stick it in us, Lil Wayne, we drop these panties for you!

February 5, 2009. celebrity crushes, rappers. Leave a comment.