Would you consent to poop sex if…?

So my friend Eric has this friend (who will remain anonymous) who I think could be the ultimate LigerBeat model and perhaps a Grade-A fuck. I have never met him but apparently he is mega fine and hung like a horse. Mega rad, right? Except for one catch – homeboy is, like, way into poop sex. Whoa! And by poop sex I mean that not only is he into smearing shit on tits whilst fucking, but this dude enjoys eating shit straight out of ye old poop chute. And he is quite open about it as well, which I guess one would have to be in order to find a willing partner. Total turnoff. Just thinking about it is making tumble weeds roll through the dried up wind tunnel that is my vagina.

But this contradiction led me to ask myself this: would I consent to poop sex in exchange for the best sex ever? And by this I mean, would I give in a single session of poop if I were guaranteed the best fuck of my life (at a different point in time, of course)? I can’t quite decide. It’s a toughie. What do you think? How far would you go in order to be guaranteed the best fuck?

March 8, 2009. fantasy dick, poop, real sex. 2 comments.

Ginger Flucking and the Near Raping of the Conchord

This is Tila Tofeelher signing in for The Dicktator. I’m her West Coast Identity. I’m working on a better pseudonym, but this is what I got right now.

Here’s the report from the sheets.

I realize my whole adult life has been a revolving door of D. Good D and bad D. I don’t think I’ve been able to get through more than a month without crashing into the D. Quite literally. And a girl needs to take a break every so often– like the Master Cleanse, but instead of drinking lemonade for 10 days, I was trying to go on a dick fast and meditate about my how my obsession with the D was totally counter productive to my life. So for three months, I went on a D break. My goal was to get through six months of a D break.

I had all sorts of “cheats” built in. I dry humped this comedy writer and made out with some dude at a bar in Dumbo. But I did manage to keep out the D for three months. A world record for me, Tila Tofeelher.

Well, I broke the Dick fast a couple days ago, when this redhead boy from two years ago crashed in. I have a thing for Ginger men (Ginger, a term popularized by South Park). They are like little peals of innocence in big manly packages. Recessive genes and ghostly skin replete with literary innocence.

I also have a thing for Korean men. Yet somehow, I don’t think I’d ever be inclined to boink a cross between a Korean and a Ginger.

Anyway, this Ginger came back into my life. He must have scraped the bottom of his booty call barrel and found me because I thought I’d never hear from him again.

It was a good night of D. Unlike the last D who came by (I call that last guy “The One Thrust Wonder”), this Ginger can’t come. He just kinda stays hard forever… like a dildo with a nice temperature and good a face!

I kept asking all night: “How can you not come?” And he just said he has a hard time coming and usually has to jerk off to actually come. We went for a really really long time at night, and then again in the morning. My mouth got dry because we were going at it so long. I went into the kitchen for some water and then he started to pump away from behind me as I hovered over the sink. And even when I finally told him I was done and he should just jerk it off, he couldn’t– with all the lube and wanking. We were getting so bored waiting for him to come already that we started talking about our taxes.

Which leads me to this question…

Are gingers genetically inclined to stay hard forever and not come? Is there a recessive gene linked to red hair that cause gingers to stay hard so long?

He’s the first ginger I’ve actually bedded. So I’m ready to test out my theory if I find more of them. Where will I find them? NOT in the sun!

In other news, I totally suck at celebrity rape.

I saw Bret from Flight of the Conchords at a quiz bowl event in Los Feliz. I had been told he would be there and made sure I sat at the table that was reserved for him.

He’s somewhat gaunt in real life (why is it most hipsters have scoliosis? And why does it affect the celebrities?).

I stammered about what to say to him. Unlike David Cross in Mr. Show, I actually don’t have a whole lot of Flight of the Conchords taglines memorized. So I couldn’t even stoop to the obnoxious level of quoting his work.

Instead, I accused his table (who won the quiz bowl) of cheating with iphones (an ungrounded accusation) and then sat five feet from him updating my facebook status about him. Then I ran off to go fluck the ginger.

February 26, 2009. Bret McKenzie, celebrity crushes, dick, flight of the conchords, ginger dick, real sex. 7 comments.

Cockigami, or Why the Japanese are Fucking Crazy

There are certain times, usually during elections and such, when a person feels the swell of nationalistic pride upon their breast. Well today, my friends, was such a day. Behold, and be amazed by the wonder that is kokigami. In case his clever little disguise fooled you, that is in fact a penis as a, ahem, private dick. A cross between origami and kirigami, or cut paper art, with a healthy dose of what-the-fuck thrown in, apparently the Japanese have been fucking with this shit for a minute. Below is an 18th century ukiyo-e print featuring a very surprised looking gentleman who seems to be in quite a shock that his she-witch concubine opposite him has turned his goose neck into, well, a goose neck.
A book, called Kokigami: Performance Enhancing Adornments for the Adventurous Man has a whole slew of creative little get-ups for when he gets it up, such as my personal favorite, the Dragon. It also explains ways to get your partner into it, by way of call and response, while also convincing them of your total detachment from reality. Here’s the one from the Dragon:

The Call: “Where are my precious jewels? My treasures? My trophies? Are they hidden there inside your dark cave”
The Reply: “Come on hot stuff! Careful the iron gates don’t snap shut and sever your burning tongue!”
The Play: With arms outstretched and fingers curled like claws, move forwards warily with the knees bent. The hips may be flicked about spasmodically accompanied by the low seductive roar of a raging furnace.

Oh yeah, furnace toootally raging.

Photo Credits: http://www.kokigami.com

February 13, 2009. internet gold, real sex, the japanese. Leave a comment.

Furry Fandom: Put that costume on and shut up

New liger beat work uniform? I think yes.

Here at Ligerbeat, we like to keep abreast of all the new rising trends in the world of Sex and Pornography. As the resident geek at Ligerbeat, I have made it my goal to educate all of you out there on the new cutting trends in the world of real fantasy and sex. Those of you who are haters, close your troglodyte mouths and have an open mind about the world of FURRIES.

These are not the Furies I learned about In my Greek Mythology books.

These are a whole new evolution in man-made mythology. I first heard about Furries at a young age. I believe I was in high school at the time; MTV had a show called Real Sex that was quite ground breaking at the time. There was an episode where they interviewed several people who referred to themselves as furries. These kids reminded me of LARPers aka Live Action Role Players. The only difference was that my larper friends just had bad acne and behavioral problems, and these furry kids like to fuck in huge suits that you would most likely see at an amusement park. I watched with my jaw half dropped and thought. Hmmmm. It’s not really my style (yet) but damn its interesting.

So here are some facts about the furry world. From the blogs, interviews and field research, it seems that these people are kind of awesome. Odd, completely humorous and without any shame. I give you 4 out of 5 boners, guys. I could see Liger having a great time partying with this crew.

From Wikipedia: “Furry fandom (also known as furrydom, furridom, fur fandom or furdom) refers to the fandom of fictional anthropomorphic animal characters with human personalities and characteristics. Examples of anthropomorphic attributes include exhibiting human intelligence and facial expressions, the ability to speak, walk on two legs, and wear clothes. Furry fandom is also used to refer to the community of artists, writers, role players and general fans of the furry art forms who gather on the net and at conventions.

Characters that morph between human and animal form are also considered by some to be part of the genre. Even certain superheroes with animal derived powers are considered of furry interest by some fans. Even characters like Josie and the Pussycats are considered of interest to furry fandom, though they only wear costumes with animal ears and tails.”

Who would have thought that group of unsuspecting girls were flaunting their weird sex habits in front of children for years?


February 9, 2009. furries, furys, ligerbeat, masonrose, real sex, science fiction. 1 comment.