UFO: Unexplainable Fucking Obsession

Photo Credit: http://www.thefastlanetomillions.com

You know how they say you can’t help who you fall in love with? Like on some star-crossed lovers shit? Or when your dorky ass had a crush on the most popular boy in class? Well meet my new unexplainable fucking obsession, Vince Offer. Better known as “the ShamWow Dude” or “the Slap Chop Guy”, I can’t help but find him kinda irresistible. Perhaps it is my preoccupation with all things infomercial related (ex. snuggies), but I find myself drawn to this magic huckster like a moth to the soft glow of a television set. First off, his infomercials are by far the most entertaining of any that are currently on air. While Billy May’s fat bearded ass manages to wax poetic on the virtues of Oxyclean while somehow maxing out the volume on your TV set, Vince hawks his wares with a sexy, almost Groucho Marx-like panache.

Listen closely for the nuggets, as he spits them rapid fire like a one-sided rap battle. Nuggets such as “Your gonna be in a great mood all day cause your going to be slapping your troubles away”, “…Now you have a nice tuna salad. Your going to have an exciting life now”, and “Life’s hard enough as it is, you don’t want to cry anymore”, when talking about an onion. A fucking onion! Genius, this man is!
My favorite is when he looks at the camera and says “Your gonna love my nuts.” And you know what?
Fuck the haters, I do love his nuts.

March 3, 2009. celebrity crushes, cooking, infomercials, snuggies, UFO's, youtube. 5 comments.

Cooking gets me so hard im going to be walking down the street just clothes lining children with my cock.

This guy:

The Cunt Chef – watch more funny videos

Reminds me of this guy:

Merrill Howard Kalin – Cooking with RetardsThe best video clips are here
Imagine if they were on Top Chef together!

I love Merrill’s Julia Child impersonation. Even better, if Merrill did an impersonation of The Cunt Chef on his show. By the way cunt chef, I am feeling what your saying about how important garlic is but son unless you totally suck at twat grubbin’ a pussy should moisten right up once it hits your lips. Rather or not you can eat I still want to dine with you at your twat-toria.

your impatient editor-n-queef,
Calisha Jenkoff

January 18, 2009. cooking, cunt chef, merrill howard kalin. Leave a comment.