Donnie From Food Dimensions!

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Yesterday on the way to a sweet ass bbq me and my rommie stopped at the grocery store. I was waiting outside watching the bikes while she ran in. Not long after she walks inside I hear a whisper, “Hey Sexy.” Instantly bummed cause I knew that it was not going to be Kaine or D-Roc I turned to see Donnie. Donnie at Food Dimensions, he’s the dude that helps people get the groceries into their car. Donnie wants to know if I have a man, of course I lie and say I do. Here is some of what I remember about the conversation, keep in mind I was stoned then and I’m stoned now.

Donnie at Food Dimensions: You have any single friends?

Calisha Jenkins: I’m sure one of them is single.

DAFD: Oh yeah? They fuck with black dudes?

CJ: I’m sure some of them do.

DAFD: How old are they?

CJ: Oh you know a range.

DAFD: (clearly stoked) Oh yeah, like wha about?

CJ: hmm..Imma say 19-35.

DAFD: Oh that’s a good range. And they like black dudes huh. Aight. You tell them to come see Donnie. Donnie at Food Dimensions. I work here. I’m a nice guy. I can hold a conversation. I don’t drink.

CJ: Oh, well that knocks a lot of my ladies out of the running.

DAFD: I don’t mind if anyone else drinks. You can do what you want. I smoke hella weed though. You smoke?

CJ: a lot

DAFD: I’m high right now.

CJ: yeap, me to.

DAFD: Smoked before I left the house. I live right there [points to the closest house] You got weed? It aint got to stop, its never gotta stop [dancing a backwards two step]

CJ: Wha? Did you just sing you and weed were like bees and honey?

DAFD: No, but that’s true. But you got it up in there? [pointing at my purse] I said it aint got to stop, its never gotta stop.

CJ: [I’m laughing my ass off] No, I didn’t bring it with me.

DAFD: I’m a good guy though. Send them to see me at Food Dimensions. But I’m also a thug.

CJ: Oh yeah, what’s the most gangsta thing you’ve ever done?

DAFD: You a cop?

CJ: No, I’m not a cop dude. What’cha do?

DAFD: Guns, fucked with guns.

CJ: Now you know I can’t send my friends over here to hang out with some guy with guns.

DAFD: You don’t have to use them all the time, I smoke weed. But she’ll know I can protect her.

CJ: Oh, well in that case (laughing).

DAFD: Who you live with?

CJ: I don’t think you know them.

DAFD: Oh, did you just slice me. I think you’re trying to slice me. I will cut you up [turns to the other guys that work there] She doesn’t know I will cut her up! I got jokes in the bank she don’t know about [the dudes are doubled over, this dude is cutting me up] I let you slice me once, you got it, you sliced me. But you slice me three times and I’m gonna cut you up. Imma have to start telling jokes!

CJ: I can not wait to hear these jokes.

DAFD: Imma nice guy send me a girlfriend to Food Dimensions.

CJ: Do you like R Kelly?

DAFD: What? What? Do I like R Kelly? Why you asking me that? Of course I like R Kelly. Why, what?

CJ: I don’t really trust people that don’t enjoy R Kelly.

DAFD: Smart, you smart.

CJ: What’s your favorite song?

DAFD: [sings, and really giving it I might ad] There’ll be
Three knocks at the door, my baby
My trench coat hits the floor, my baby
Sit back in the chair, my baby
Cuz I’m about to go there, my baby
And get your body real open, baby
Do what you been hopin’, baby
Tonight I’m gonna pull a switcheroo
Do you mind if I strip for you?

CJ: Well I love it.

DAFD: You wanna know what I wanna do now [I know its gonna piss me off based on the sleazy look he just flashed me]

CJ: oh geez man, what?

DAFD: I wanna spread your thighs

CJ: man Donnie, dude. We were having such a nice conversation.

DAFD: And you’d be grabbin on my head like…

CJ: Man, I’m not going to talk to you anymore. [stuck watching the bikes I start to call my roomie]

DAFD: Your just so pretty.

CJ: Thanks [I’m texting and unnecessarily checking my voice mail]

DAFD: Check out this hat. You haven’t seen me in my hat yet. Not everyone can pull off this hat. I’ll wear this shit in the hood. Take a picture of me in my hat to show your girls. I’m a nice guy. I’ll treat ’em right. Donnie at Food Dimensions.

So ladies, any takers? Hit me up if you’re down. If he hadn’t fucked it up by talking about wanting to eat me out I would totally chat with him again. Sadly, he went there. But at least we know he likes to eat twat. He was really funny though ladies and he never even got to tell me the jokes that were gonna cut me up. He also did kind of remind me of the Ying Yang Twins in the end:


gif by babymabry<3!

June 30, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

All-out ass panic alert!!!!

Basically, this shit is guaranteed to be off the goddamn chain. On the ones and twos, and occasionally on the mic, we got ass-shaking expertologist and Ligerbeat homeboy DJ Dirty Finger back for one week only from his travels abroad, Ligerbabe Jasmine Solano, that studly Reverend McFly, the strapping DJ Stache, crazian hotties the Notorious MSG, Ligerbeat “DO” Ye Olde Gay Wizard AKA Ryder Ripps, and issue one cover boy Porkchop as Blackanova himself.

We’ll be giving away free jimmy hats, you can enter a raffle to win some dildos and shit, you can take cheesy photos in front of our hoodrich backdrop, you can cop an issue for yourself or any dick-loving friends you might have, you can watch hot bitches roll around on rolleskates, and, most importantly, you can rock that body, because you had better believe that we will be getting looser than a project ho in a camo dress on prom night.

Hope to see you there!

June 23, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

TIME TO PARTY!

time to celebrate the release of our first issue, and the return of one of our favorite dj’s- dirtyfinger!!

WHEN- THURSDAY JUNE 25TH

WHERE- MARKET HOTEL, BROOKLYN NY (corner of myrtle/broadway above mr. kiwi)
TIME- 8PM- PARTY’S OVER
DJ’S- DIRTYFINGER
PORKCHOP (the centerfold of issue #1!)
REV MCFLY
JASMINE SOLANO
SPECIAL EVENTS- NOTORIOUS MSG
MODELS OF FIRST ISSUE SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS
SPECIAL PHOTOGRAPHERS
LIGER BEAT LADIES ON ROLLER SKATES
CONDOMS AND GOODIE BAGS

AND OF COURSE WE’LL BE SELLING THE FIRST ISSUE OF LIGERBEAT!!

GET STOKED AND BE READY TO DANCE!!!!!

June 21, 2009. dance party, dirtyfinger, free condoms, free danger, fun, good fucking times guaranteed, issue release, life goes on, market hotel, notorious msg, parties, pma, porkchop, rev mcfly, roller skates. Leave a comment.

Ligerbeat in BUST Magazine!

Check out this totally righteous press clipping from the June issue of all-around awesome ladies’ mag BUST! Proof positive that them feminizzle jawns stay loving the d!


PS, I would just like to let it be known that Kathy Griffin is so motherfucking Ligerbeat it’s not even funny. Coincidence? We think not.

June 18, 2009. bust magazine, feminizzle, ligerbuzz, things we cosign. 1 comment.

Vice Blogs About Ligerbeat Again!


Check it! Is it possible we are too filthy for Vice? Oh glory hole! Check out the new issue of BUST Magazine for their review of the mag. Don’t miss your chance to get the first pressing of issue 1! We are selling like crazy. Keep checking in for release party info too coming at you soon. Ligerbeat models will be there in the flesh to sign the flesh! And dudes, we are totally filling up all the holes in issue 2 as we speak so if you want us to get your dick under lights email us fast, ligerbeat@gmail.com.
Get Your Clits Wet!
Calisha Jenkins

June 17, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 comment.


So I was having one of those google R. Kelly nights that a woman has from time to time. And I googled R. Kelly dick and this picture came up. It would be wrong not to share. I don’t even have a real response to this.

MasonRoseLee

June 17, 2009. R Kelly, r kelly dickilicious fuckcake. Leave a comment.

My mom loves the beat!

And she said after she read it, “Damn, Mason Rose Lee’s got balls. She rules.”

Go moms that support the labies!! And are down for the d!

June 10, 2009. life goes on, ligerbeat, mom's. 3 comments.

I wanna make a spoof of this spoof.

How good would wait till you see my puss lips be?!

June 6, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

It’s the freakin weekend baby bout to have me some fun.

Kelz needs to finally officially release this album in time for the summer. I need to hear people blowing their speakers out to “Two Seater” while I’m slow creepin’ on my bike to the beach. I totally love how he keeps calling himself a lesbian lately. Check out his new website, you can write him a question and he’ll give an audio reply on his site:

“So we want to get some more audio clips. This is a good time to ask questions. If there is a question you want to ask Kelz, just leave it here as a message and we’ll record the answer in the studio and put it up.”

http://www.rkellyinnercircle.com/

Obvs we need to ask him to do Ligerbeat!

And ever since the leak this has been my anthem:

June 5, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Top 10 reasons why chubby dudes are the shit.

1. Can do stuff like pick you up and carry heavy shit with minimal effort.
2. Fat fingers = better fingerbangs.
3. Big ham hock thighs = more power to the push.
4. Don’t leave those icky pelvic bone bruises after a marathon session.
5. Are usually a little bit more humble because they’re less likely to have a bunch of superficial bitches gassing them up.
6. Fat kid mentality is cute as shit.
7. When you lay your head on their chest and there’s that inch or so of chub with muscle underneath it makes the best pillow ever.
8. Are just generally more cuddly and better at making you feel surrounded.
9. Scare off creepy dudes better than skinny guys. Nothing is more embarrassing than walking down the street with your boo and getting hollered at anyways.
10. Are always down for an epic grub mission which usually makes for a pretty good bonding experience (see below).

June 4, 2009. chubby chasers, crackie treehorn, cuddling, fingerbanging, food boners. 2 comments.