Top 10 reasons why chubby dudes are the shit.

1. Can do stuff like pick you up and carry heavy shit with minimal effort.
2. Fat fingers = better fingerbangs.
3. Big ham hock thighs = more power to the push.
4. Don’t leave those icky pelvic bone bruises after a marathon session.
5. Are usually a little bit more humble because they’re less likely to have a bunch of superficial bitches gassing them up.
6. Fat kid mentality is cute as shit.
7. When you lay your head on their chest and there’s that inch or so of chub with muscle underneath it makes the best pillow ever.
8. Are just generally more cuddly and better at making you feel surrounded.
9. Scare off creepy dudes better than skinny guys. Nothing is more embarrassing than walking down the street with your boo and getting hollered at anyways.
10. Are always down for an epic grub mission which usually makes for a pretty good bonding experience (see below).

June 4, 2009. chubby chasers, crackie treehorn, cuddling, fingerbanging, food boners. 2 comments.

Boys pee pee when they see me.

Okay, dear Beaters. Let me just clear up any potential confusion on this subject before your pervy lil’ gears get to spinnin’ by stating that I am in no way shape or form into getting peed on. I may be submissive but I prefer to keep my showers clear, not golden. If you’re one of those girls who gets off on walking around with your man’s piss in your hair, more power to you, but Crackie don’t play that.  

That being said, it has always sort of fascinated me that most men are totally unafraid to drain the snake in public, popo and passersby be damned. It’s right up there with dudes drinking milk straight from the carton, opening beer bottles with lighters, switching lanes while switching gears, and other things that I am perfectly capable of doing myself but would rather see done by a meaty pair of (preferably heavily tattooed) forearms. If that makes you mad, like maybe you’re feeling like you want to take away my feminizzle card, then so be it, but I want no part in any club that doesn’t let me trick men into doing physical labor for me. Fuck outta here with that mess, I got nails to maintain, ya heard?

But back to the splatter at hand. Shit is masculine as fuck. I mean, think about it. The ease with which they assume that solid, legs-slightly-parted stance; the blatant disregard to catching a public urination charge (no small potatoes here in New York, where violators are required to register as sex offenders); and the fact that you know they’re touching their dick, albeit in a completely nonsexual context: all of these things make me feel all warm and fuzzy in my no-no place.  

And then at the same time, there’s a vulnerability factor there that can’t be overlooked. Standing there, eyes closed, head tilted slightly back, lost in the relief of emptying a probs booze-filled bladder–they’re totally immersed in the euphoria of the pee. That combination of fierceness and susceptibility is, if you think about it, one of the most lovable occurrences in nature. (For the record, I think girls who are ballsy enough to drop trou under the wild blue yonder are also rad as fuck, but since this is a blog about how much we love dick, I’ll leave that one to another time and place.)

I’ve talked to some other ladies about whether or not this particular interest qualifies me for legit creep status. Calisha Jenkins, for example, does not see the appeal. But I’ve heard tell of other chicks who are equally fascinated, if not more so. So, with that in mind, I bring you the first in a series of original photographs meant to objectify dudes taking leaks (because, after all, we are female chauvinists if nothing else). What do you think, girls? Gross? Hot? Leave it in the comments, yo.

May 13, 2009. crackie treehorn, feminizzle, ginger dick, nyc, public urination, we love scumbags. 1 comment.

The new Ligerbeat mascot

This is not really wang-related, but everyone fucking loves kittens, so I figured, what the hey. Beaters, meet your new mascot, Lil Wanda Loosie Ma, AKA LaWanda, AKA Loose Loose.

I got her about a week ago from the ASPCA up on 92nd, saw her in her cage and it was love at first sight. When we let her out, I crouched down to pet her and she crawled right into my lap. She had been at the shelter for four months, which is a really long time. Nobody wanted her because she’s missing an eye and has a bum heart. Which is fine by me because now she is mine all mine!

The vet (who, I might add, was grade A Ligerbeat material: young, educated, and heavily tattooed) said she got brought in from a feral colony with her eyeball literally hanging out of its socket. They think she must have been an escaped pet before she became a stray, because she is so amazingly sweet and loving. She is very encouraging of my lounging habits, and can usually be found giving me facenudges or anchoring me down to the couch by placing her fat ass directly in my lap. She is so fuzzy and nommy! I have lived with kitties before but never had my own. I’m so in love.

Sometimes I think she might miss the streets. But then she’ll creep up and give me little kitty kisses and I know she’s glad to be here.
She is a bad lil’ broad.

Correction: Let it be known that Lil Wanda Loosie Ma is the feline mascot of Ligerbeat. We can’t forget about our little puppy friend Radar who is and forever will be our trusty canine mascot! He travels with us and everything.

April 23, 2009. bad bitches, crackie treehorn, kittens, lil wanda loosie ma, things that aren't about penises. 2 comments.

This is kind of fucked up.

Syke, it’s really fucked up. This video footage of three cops tasing the shit out of a nekkid wizard, probably tripping balls, definitely pretty out of it, at Coachella is semi-disturbing. You will laugh really hard, and then you’ll cringe, and then you’ll feel somewhat vindicated knowing it was captured by the miracle of modern mobile technology.

Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

At first I was fucking rollin–this dude’s dick is fucking tiny, right? His penis looks like one of those ponytails that girls with hair that’s too short to put up rock. Nah, you know what? It looks like a zit that really needs to be popped that just also happened to be located between his legs. I hope for his special lady friends’ sakes that he’s a grower, but something tells me he’s not. And he refuses to put clothes on! He’s all, “Fuck you, you trust fund dippin, khaki rockin, Dave Matthews bumpin ass hippies! Even though I’m one of you…these shrooms are the shit, and I’ve transcended to the next level brah, and I’m totally gonna show you squares what this shit is all about!” Viewing his antics, I chuckled softly to myself, secure in the knowledge that I never have and never will have sex with a Trustafarian.

And then suddenly, when I saw the pigs repeatedly tasing the shit out of this innocent dickless basehead, my giggles turned to gasps. Seeing cops go nuts on harmless citizens is nothing new. Matterfact, I think my MDC album has been getting more play in recent months than when I was in my punkest of punk phases. And we all know that angsty white kids are the second favorite target of police, with The Browns in general coming in at first place. But it still bothers me. Not one of those kids standing around with their $20 Pac Sun flip flops and BPA-free water bottles did shit! I mean, they must not get wasted enough at those festivals, because usually there is at least one Captain Save-A-Bro who steps in and gets arrested too during shocking displays of police brutality such as these.

Ayo pigs, why you always gotta keep the party down? It’s all good though, I got a hundred bucks says that dude’s parentals will cough up the dough for an expensive attorney, and the ACLU’s gonna be all up on this and maybe, just maybe, these cops with dicks even smaller than their victim’s will be totally wrecked for the rest of their lives. After all, they say God only looks after children and fools…so this guy’s gotta be good, right?

Yours in cop and yuppie hating,
Crackie Treehorn

April 23, 2009. crackie treehorn, dick look like a baby thumb, pigs, the browns, trustafarians. 1 comment.

Wipe me down!

A few years back, I was broing down with some bros and the conversation meandered towards giving girls facials. One of my boys was totally aghast at the idea of crop dusting his special lady friend’s face, and couldn’t understand how a righteous feminizzle bitch such as yours truly would want to get down with something he perceived as being so inherently degrading to women.

I’ve heard others echo this sentiment since then, and it never ceases to amaze me how some people think that one’s world view must also dictate one’s sexual inclinations. There are powerful CEO’s who like getting tied up and whipped by dominatrixes and black militants who enjoy dabbling in a little milk of magnesia–so why wouldn’t there be feminists who like to catch a load to the chin every once in a while? I mean, I understand that the physical act of coitus is more of a cut-and-paste operation for some than others, but come on. It’s a little spilled seed. Are we really gonna split hairs here?

By this point, perhaps you have inferred that I am a pretty big fan of bukkake. Not like crazy group jerk sessions onto my face while my eyelids are held open by clamps. There will be none of that, have you ever gotten jizz in your eye? It feels like someone just punched you directly in the facial. And not in a good way either. No, I’m talking about a good old-fashioned body drenching. There is just something so satisfying about seeing a huge load sittin’ pretty on my boobage after a job well done. A new pearl necklace? For me? Aw shit baby, you shouldn’t have!

To me, a skeet skeeted into a condom is a skeet skeet wasted. I mean, mutual orgasms are cool and all but I’m deathly afraid of getting knocked up before I’m good and goddamned ready, so even when there’s a condom in play, I get easily spooked thinking about what would happen if it broke mid-nut. I’d much rather feel the splooge hit my skin and know instantly that no babies were conceived in the making of this sexual encounter.

It also enables me to really get in there and gauge the intensity of orgasm, based on speed of projection, trajectory arc, and volume. Plus, I am the kind of person who needs closure–the more visceral, the better–and this, to me, is a guy’s way of saying, “Here, take this little present special from me to you for being such a hot ass motherfucking sexual goddess.” And I ain’t mad at that. I’m really not.

However, there is definitely some post-spattering etiquette that I feel needs to be addressed here. Most guys will give you a haphazard dry rub with whatever towel or t-shirt is handy. Some will just leave you to your own devices and wander off to the bathroom to wash their nuts. Some will hand you a crusty sock from up off the floor and laugh sheepishly. Shut up, it has happened to the best of us, or at least to those of us who have fucked with a stoner punk dude…or seven.

What the fuck is up with that shit? I’m sayin’. Feel free to take a minute to look at the map of Hawaii you just spilled on my stomach, but fuck’s sake. I just worked that party puddle out of your body with my body, maing. Wipe me down already! (A-wipe me down.) On that note, I have decided that the day a man lovingly sops up his goo from my chest with a clean, hot, moist towel is the day that I start giving up the buttsex.

Sooo, fellas. Bedside towel-warming station: who’s copping?

April 21, 2009. bukkake, buy us shit, crackie treehorn, facials, feminizzle, ladies who love the d, selfish penixes, spooge, the japanese, towels, veiled references to the big lebowski, wetiquette. 9 comments.

dicks on bricks: boner

dicks on the street…street dicks!
no, not that kind of street dick…the other kind.

there is, blissfully, no shortage of cock references in the wonderful world of graffiti. i’ll spare you the obvious puns that could be drawn between the parallels of being a cocky motherfucker and getting your name up in as many places as possible, because that is neither here nor there. we’ll never know why this person picked the name boner, but my guess would be, um, because it’s awesome, and that’s reason enough for me.

at any rate, nothing brings a tear to the eye of a young pornographer like looking up and getting a good eyeful of dickspiration. props to this guy for catching wreck in the name of the d. ligerbeat like totally hearts you.

and now, without further ado, i present to you the niyasty philly stylings of BONER YKK.

stay tuned for further installments of dicks on bricks.
throwies that get your panties wet. chea.

January 19, 2009. boner, crackie treehorn, dicks on bricks. 7 comments.