Wipe me down!

A few years back, I was broing down with some bros and the conversation meandered towards giving girls facials. One of my boys was totally aghast at the idea of crop dusting his special lady friend’s face, and couldn’t understand how a righteous feminizzle bitch such as yours truly would want to get down with something he perceived as being so inherently degrading to women.

I’ve heard others echo this sentiment since then, and it never ceases to amaze me how some people think that one’s world view must also dictate one’s sexual inclinations. There are powerful CEO’s who like getting tied up and whipped by dominatrixes and black militants who enjoy dabbling in a little milk of magnesia–so why wouldn’t there be feminists who like to catch a load to the chin every once in a while? I mean, I understand that the physical act of coitus is more of a cut-and-paste operation for some than others, but come on. It’s a little spilled seed. Are we really gonna split hairs here?

By this point, perhaps you have inferred that I am a pretty big fan of bukkake. Not like crazy group jerk sessions onto my face while my eyelids are held open by clamps. There will be none of that, have you ever gotten jizz in your eye? It feels like someone just punched you directly in the facial. And not in a good way either. No, I’m talking about a good old-fashioned body drenching. There is just something so satisfying about seeing a huge load sittin’ pretty on my boobage after a job well done. A new pearl necklace? For me? Aw shit baby, you shouldn’t have!

To me, a skeet skeeted into a condom is a skeet skeet wasted. I mean, mutual orgasms are cool and all but I’m deathly afraid of getting knocked up before I’m good and goddamned ready, so even when there’s a condom in play, I get easily spooked thinking about what would happen if it broke mid-nut. I’d much rather feel the splooge hit my skin and know instantly that no babies were conceived in the making of this sexual encounter.

It also enables me to really get in there and gauge the intensity of orgasm, based on speed of projection, trajectory arc, and volume. Plus, I am the kind of person who needs closure–the more visceral, the better–and this, to me, is a guy’s way of saying, “Here, take this little present special from me to you for being such a hot ass motherfucking sexual goddess.” And I ain’t mad at that. I’m really not.

However, there is definitely some post-spattering etiquette that I feel needs to be addressed here. Most guys will give you a haphazard dry rub with whatever towel or t-shirt is handy. Some will just leave you to your own devices and wander off to the bathroom to wash their nuts. Some will hand you a crusty sock from up off the floor and laugh sheepishly. Shut up, it has happened to the best of us, or at least to those of us who have fucked with a stoner punk dude…or seven.

What the fuck is up with that shit? I’m sayin’. Feel free to take a minute to look at the map of Hawaii you just spilled on my stomach, but fuck’s sake. I just worked that party puddle out of your body with my body, maing. Wipe me down already! (A-wipe me down.) On that note, I have decided that the day a man lovingly sops up his goo from my chest with a clean, hot, moist towel is the day that I start giving up the buttsex.

Sooo, fellas. Bedside towel-warming station: who’s copping?

April 21, 2009. bukkake, buy us shit, crackie treehorn, facials, feminizzle, ladies who love the d, selfish penixes, spooge, the japanese, towels, veiled references to the big lebowski, wetiquette.


  1. Yung Ho replied:

    Map of Hawaii? Jerkface! Loves it! You kind of made me rethink the whole catchin a load for the hell of it thing. Well played dude, well played.

  2. Diana MoreLinga replied:

    the only thing i don’t like about jizz in the face is when that shit gets in my eye. because not only have i ruined many-a-contact in this manner, but when you’re not wearing a contact it fucking HURTS, and it hurts for hours afterward and then i can’t see right and i get a headache from squinting too much.

  3. crackie treehorn replied:

    map of hawaii is great, right? i got that one from an e-thug who was trying to make me blush, and did the old mental right click save.

  4. Jizzmaster X replied:

    I was trying to think ahead one day. Made an easy to clean puddle next to her belly button. When I got back with the TP it cleaned up in 2 seconds. Instead of complimenting my marksmanship she called it “a weak nut” like she was all disappointed or something. Next time I saved up the millionaire money shot, pulled out of the doggy style like “Arrgarr”, she looked back and saw her back get flooded and even got some in the hair and face. Somehow that disappointed her to, I don’t get women.

  5. crackie treehorn replied:

    try the hot towel trick next. she won’t say shit.

  6. c. bridges replied:

    Myself, I’ve always been partial to a dude who’s comfortable enough with his own sauces to lick it up afterwards, wherever it lands. Sadly those are all too rare…

  7. crackie treehorn replied:

    yeah, that would take a man very comfortable in his sexuality. i’ve actually never observed that happening. do you have to ask for it or do they just go for it?

  8. Life Goes On replied:

    i love you crackie. your posts always brighten up my day.

  9. corioliskid replied:

    You totally would have to ask for a man to lick up his nut afterwards. I think most guys (or most guys you would want to fuck) would do it if asked, frankly.

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