UFO: Unexplainable Fucking Obsession

Photo Credit: http://www.thefastlanetomillions.com

You know how they say you can’t help who you fall in love with? Like on some star-crossed lovers shit? Or when your dorky ass had a crush on the most popular boy in class? Well meet my new unexplainable fucking obsession, Vince Offer. Better known as “the ShamWow Dude” or “the Slap Chop Guy”, I can’t help but find him kinda irresistible. Perhaps it is my preoccupation with all things infomercial related (ex. snuggies), but I find myself drawn to this magic huckster like a moth to the soft glow of a television set. First off, his infomercials are by far the most entertaining of any that are currently on air. While Billy May’s fat bearded ass manages to wax poetic on the virtues of Oxyclean while somehow maxing out the volume on your TV set, Vince hawks his wares with a sexy, almost Groucho Marx-like panache.

Listen closely for the nuggets, as he spits them rapid fire like a one-sided rap battle. Nuggets such as “Your gonna be in a great mood all day cause your going to be slapping your troubles away”, “…Now you have a nice tuna salad. Your going to have an exciting life now”, and “Life’s hard enough as it is, you don’t want to cry anymore”, when talking about an onion. A fucking onion! Genius, this man is!
My favorite is when he looks at the camera and says “Your gonna love my nuts.” And you know what?
Fuck the haters, I do love his nuts.

March 3, 2009. celebrity crushes, cooking, infomercials, snuggies, UFO's, youtube.

5 Comments

  1. caitlin B replied:

    “we’re gonna make america skinny again… one slap at a time.”i’ll admit when i first saw this guy’s shamwow i got kinda turned on… he uses it with such finesse

  2. sexinrichmond replied:

    yummmers…… i love that guy i would let him chop slap my shit any day.

  3. Yung Ho replied:

    I know! I wonder if he would ShamWow up the wet spot after fucking…

  4. SHMALEX! replied:

    Uggggghhh I hate that fucking guy’s crooked ass face. I kinda want a Shamwow though.

  5. the dicktator replied:

    i get it. he is just so damned energetic. mabe we just want to see if he will make us say “wow” EVERY time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback URI

%d bloggers like this: