Ginger Flucking and the Near Raping of the Conchord

This is Tila Tofeelher signing in for The Dicktator. I’m her West Coast Identity. I’m working on a better pseudonym, but this is what I got right now.

Here’s the report from the sheets.

I realize my whole adult life has been a revolving door of D. Good D and bad D. I don’t think I’ve been able to get through more than a month without crashing into the D. Quite literally. And a girl needs to take a break every so often– like the Master Cleanse, but instead of drinking lemonade for 10 days, I was trying to go on a dick fast and meditate about my how my obsession with the D was totally counter productive to my life. So for three months, I went on a D break. My goal was to get through six months of a D break.

I had all sorts of “cheats” built in. I dry humped this comedy writer and made out with some dude at a bar in Dumbo. But I did manage to keep out the D for three months. A world record for me, Tila Tofeelher.

Well, I broke the Dick fast a couple days ago, when this redhead boy from two years ago crashed in. I have a thing for Ginger men (Ginger, a term popularized by South Park). They are like little peals of innocence in big manly packages. Recessive genes and ghostly skin replete with literary innocence.

I also have a thing for Korean men. Yet somehow, I don’t think I’d ever be inclined to boink a cross between a Korean and a Ginger.

Anyway, this Ginger came back into my life. He must have scraped the bottom of his booty call barrel and found me because I thought I’d never hear from him again.

It was a good night of D. Unlike the last D who came by (I call that last guy “The One Thrust Wonder”), this Ginger can’t come. He just kinda stays hard forever… like a dildo with a nice temperature and good a face!

I kept asking all night: “How can you not come?” And he just said he has a hard time coming and usually has to jerk off to actually come. We went for a really really long time at night, and then again in the morning. My mouth got dry because we were going at it so long. I went into the kitchen for some water and then he started to pump away from behind me as I hovered over the sink. And even when I finally told him I was done and he should just jerk it off, he couldn’t– with all the lube and wanking. We were getting so bored waiting for him to come already that we started talking about our taxes.

Which leads me to this question…

Are gingers genetically inclined to stay hard forever and not come? Is there a recessive gene linked to red hair that cause gingers to stay hard so long?

He’s the first ginger I’ve actually bedded. So I’m ready to test out my theory if I find more of them. Where will I find them? NOT in the sun!

In other news, I totally suck at celebrity rape.

I saw Bret from Flight of the Conchords at a quiz bowl event in Los Feliz. I had been told he would be there and made sure I sat at the table that was reserved for him.

He’s somewhat gaunt in real life (why is it most hipsters have scoliosis? And why does it affect the celebrities?).

I stammered about what to say to him. Unlike David Cross in Mr. Show, I actually don’t have a whole lot of Flight of the Conchords taglines memorized. So I couldn’t even stoop to the obnoxious level of quoting his work.

Instead, I accused his table (who won the quiz bowl) of cheating with iphones (an ungrounded accusation) and then sat five feet from him updating my facebook status about him. Then I ran off to go fluck the ginger.

February 26, 2009. Bret McKenzie, celebrity crushes, dick, flight of the conchords, ginger dick, real sex.

7 Comments

  1. c jenks replied:

    I love you Tila! Two thoughts: a) I recently fucked this dude forever and he just couldn’t come. He was mad hot and his dick was hotter. And yes, he was a smokin’ ginger man! B) I recently went on a sex fast, I made it almost 3 weeks. I had to stop because I was masturbating so much I had no time in my day to do anything else. I advise against it.

  2. Anonymous replied:

    i love the gingers too.big time.i don’t understand why.but it’s true.put that red beard on my twat son.

  3. caitlin B replied:

    gingerssss are the best lovers i have ever had. love that dick!!and bret’s a sweetheart, but i’d rather have jemaine on top of me every night

  4. Chelsea MMMMMM replied:

    I recently fucked my first ginger two weeks ago. It also took him forever to come. His d was too big – more girthy than long. He ripped me and scared me away.

  5. Escher Dashiki replied:

    I never fucked a ginger but i used to have loooonnnnng make-out sessions with one and i think i recall a lil dry-humping too? but normally, i’m not into the reds.I want to do a sex fast but i’m dating the hottest asshole fuck-face right now. Literally, his dick is owning me; it’s pathetic. Also, he told me I could draw it for this mag 🙂

  6. Caitlin B replied:

    speaking of gingershas anyone seen michael meronna lately?!

  7. Yung Ho replied:

    I heard he became a crust punk, which would so totally make my day. dirty ginger? rawr.

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