The Mcgiver of Masturbation. Use at your own risk.

Homemade sex toys hardly seem needed in this day and age with all the thousands of different sex toys on the market .You would think that a woman could find every imaginable type of dildo and vibrator online or at the nearest sex toy shop, but what happens if you can’t afford a dildo or are too embarrassed to shop at a sex toy shop? Well, you make a homemade masturbation aid. Women have been making homemade dildos for centuries and the choices range from the obvious cucumber to the not so obvious electric toothbrush. Look below to find a technique that might help you out the next time you need a home made sex aid.

Homemade Masturbation Toys From The Kitchen

Masturbating with Utensils

Try using the back of a spoon to stimulate your clitoris while masturbating or maybe even a large handled ladle that you can insert into your pussy.

Banana Rama

When picking a banana to masturbate with you should use one that is not ripe preferably still green. Always put a rubber on the bananas, with the peel on. never masturbate with a banana without the peel. You run the risk of having it get stuck inside of you if you do it without the peel.

Pear Pleasures

Pick a pear that is really green and hard. Pull off the stem and cover it in plastic wrap. Pushing it into your vagina tapered end first

Lime Time

They are great to just roll around on or sit on and partially insert. They also work very well as a clit stimulator by pressing them in with your palm.

Melons and Dildos

Any melon can work for this technique.

Watermelons (the bigger the better) are the best, cantaloupes are an easier melon to cut into and the texture is nice. however I have enjoyed a ride on a wide variety of melons. Cut a hole in the melon large enough to fit your favorite dildo. You can use a permanent marker to trace the circumference or base of the dildo. Cut the hole slowly with a small pointed knife if you desire a small hole or a large knife. It may look like a Wrap the melon in plastic wrap. Insert your dildo into the hole. Ride the melon like a horse or ride it with your legs back so that you are stretched out to missionary position. From this angle it is really easy to obtain a g spot and clitoral orgasm. I have achieved many combination orgasms from this technique because it stimulated both spots. It is not a sybian machine but it works great. You can use just a melon with plastic wrap and put some oil on the plastic and just ride it without the dildo. This technique is great for a clitoral orgasm.

Pumpkin Snatch

Try to find a pumpkin with the stem still intact and green not brown and brittle. The longer the stem the better for this technique. Put a rubber on the top of the stem and roll it down. You can also cut out a hole big enough for your favorite dildo.

The Vegetable Drawer

The great thing about using vegetables is that you can usually shape them the way that you like. I like to shape with a knife or vegetable peeler. You can carve out your own homemade disposable dildo. Cheaper than the real thing and a creative outlet for those sculptors out there.

Cucumbers to Cum

I highly recommend the English cucumber variety. It is a longer cucumber with lengthwise natural ridges. Regular cucumbers are great, however pickling cucumbers usually have small spiky bumps. They feel good with a rubber if you like the little spikes. You can carve a cucumber to masturbate with but using them intact is quick and easy.

Squash Hits the Spot

I love squash! there are so many varieties, shapes and sizes that I cannot list them all here but a good example to use for masturbation is the yellow summer squash with a crook in its “neck” it is a fun variety to masturbate with. Pick a summer squash with a longer neck, the bigger the curve of the neck the better. Lay on top of the squash so the the “neck” of the squash is inside of you and curved toward your g spot. If you have picked right you can get it to stimulate your g spot while you ride it Try squeezing it tight between your thighs as you probe yourself.

Zucchini in the Bikini

All sizes of zucchini are great for carving. The younger and firmer the zuc is the better.

Carrots, Carrots, Carrots

One of the classic homemade dildos that women have certainly been using for centuries. Great for carving as well into the perfect dildo for you. Experiment each time you masturbate with a new carved shape. You may just find a secret dildo shape that is perfect for your pussy. You can insert carrots from both ends and get a different sensation.

Beer bottles/ wine bottles/ liquor bottles

Dangerous and yet the shape of the bottle is so pleasurable. If you choose to try this homemade masturbation technique be very careful and NEVER put your body weight onto an upright bottle. Use only while laying on your back or stomach and always very gently with your hand only. If you are going to use a bottle as a dildo be sure to watch out for nicks in the glass as well. Picking the perfect liquor bottle can be very rewarding. Many times after an orgasm the bottle contains a good amount of female ejaculation or cum

Melting a Popsicle

Popsicles are a nice icy treat and come in so many different sizes and shapes. Many couples have found out that popsicles are a great addition to the bedroom and many women already new it! I prefer the long spiral or twisting ones for insertion but they work great for cold pressure on your clitoris as well.

Candy is Dandy

Lollipops are great masturbation tools and come in a great selection of flavors and sizes. Next time you are shopping take a look down the candy isle for something new to masturbate with. You will find many phallic shaped sweets at just about every local convenience store. Candy flavors your pussy for eating too.

Plastic Water Bottle Riding

Freeze a water bottle, pull it out put a little oil on it and ride on top of it. You can put it inside of you or just let it slide between your lips while masturbating with your fingers on your clitoris. You can also put hot water in the bottle trying different temperatures to see what feels best against your vagina. The bottles that are ribbed plastic are preferred and there are so many choices in shape and sizes. Big or small they can be very pleasurable because you can control the water temperature. You can also carefully cut the plastic off of one of the smaller sized bottles and use it as an ice dildo.

Bar Stool Tooled

I have a plastic bar stool that has a hole in the center. It is perfect for masturbating with a dildo. I put a towel on the seat and then put my dildo in the hole. The towel helps to keep the dildo in place while bouncing up and down on the home made masturbation machine.

Homemade Masturbation Toys From The Bathroom

Towels and washcloths

Take a few wash clothes or a big fluffy towel and roll them up tight. They are great for riding when covered with a soft nighty or silk sheet. who owns a silk sheet

Electric Toothbrush Masturbation

tape a spoon onto the end of your toothbrush it can be used to press against the clit.

A soft toothbrush head is essential for this technique. Also if you have a toothbrush with removable heads, having one specifically for masturbating is much more hygienic.tape a spoon that is nasty. who ever made this list could build you a bong in 3.2 seconds out of a shoe string and a beer cap.

Electric razor

Feels great with the back pressed up against your clit. It is basically just a vibrator right? Use the handle to press in between your lips and against your anus i wish they would have reminded me not to turn it on.

Shampoo Bottles

A nice rounded cap makes insertion much easier and far mor pleasurable I feel like this list is a survival masturbation guide if its the end of the fucking world.

Hair Brushes

The handles are great for more than holding onto! the handles are also great for spanking

Curling Irons

Do NOT plug it in!. liger beat is 100 percent against this one.

Masturbating on the Toilet

Masturbating on the toilet is one of my favorites. I like to hold my pee and then when I am about to orgasm I start peeing and then squeeze my vaginal wall muscles (kiegal) and stop peeing to allow the pressure to build. I always get so messy from masturbating on the toilet, I have to get in the shower. trying this one out now.

Masturbating in the Bedroom with Homemade Toys

Candles are Hot

Another classic homemade masturbation toy is the candle (not lit of course). Carved or used the way they are you will never look at a candle the same again. Try using just a little bit of lubrication after you cut the wick off. if you feel a burning sensation prior to candle insertion seek gynocological help

Silk Scarves

Pulled back and forth between your lips will make you go wild. Masturbating with nylons, satin robes or pillows with soft silk or satin covers are great for riding as well. just make sure you wash it before you wear your cummy scarf out

Masturbating in the Laundry Room with Homemade Sex Toys

Riding Washing Machines

Washers are not just great for getting your clothes clean. Pressing your clitoris up against the machine during spin cycle feels absolutely amazing. If you have a suction cup dildo you can put it on top the washer and ride it that way or put it on the side of the washer and back up to it. You can ride it or just let it slide between your lips. I would love to walk in on my roomate doing this.

I am pretty certain half these things can kill you. But you are more than welcomed to try and get back at me. Lonely House Wives this is your new bible.


January 25, 2009. ligerbeat, recession friendly masturbation.

Leave a Comment

Be the first to comment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback URI

%d bloggers like this: